I've been "ensconsing." That is, myself into my cozy little me-nest. I have a stack of good books to read, tasty and healthy food in the refrigerator, a (mostly) clean and organized living space. I have kicked up my exercise and my sleep and my water intake, and I am content.
Oh, I always have worries--about my upcoming trip, my record, keeping up my car, fearful dreams about more car accidents as this road trip looms, whether I'll be able to take a class this spring, whether I'll ever stop living under a shadow of fear (that all physical and mental surroundings that I've built for myself will be destroyed) ...and whether or not I can live with the fact that some I love dearly can feel themself doomed to unhappiness and live their lives accordingly, and I'll never really make that much of a difference whether or not I am in it.
I need joy. I do not want clouds cast on the moments that I have learned to enjoy. I MUST stamp those dark little feelings out rather than dwell on them, else I shall doom myself to a dark, sad little cycle within my own head, forever and ever and unable to escape. I choose instead to turn to the things which give me constant joy. A new kiss, lungs tight from running, bath steam rising hot above my reddened skin beneath the water. Jammies and hot tea and cute cats and the thrill of accomplishment when I finish a song or a piece of writing.
Although the company I invited to share my dinner last night never showed up (as is de rigeur for him), I didn't mind a bit because I already had something joyful, small as it was. I had researched some of my healthy-food cookbooks over the weekend and decided to try something new. I took bulgur wheat, ground beef, green beans, onions, garlic, spices and roasted tomatoes, topped it with parsley and romano cheese and baked it into a delicious Mediterranean peasant dish. It was perfect to eat while I watched rainforest-dwelling villages get crushed beneath the sumptuous, bloodthirsy Mayan empire...and wished I had the internet, so I could educate myself to my heart's content on pre-Columbian Mayan civilization. But even as I wished it, I didn't want to waste my time staring at another screen after the movie was over. Instead, I took to my bed with my new book and a freshly arrived fashion magazine with pretty pictures.
Inspiration, relaxation, and non-procrastination. For me, they are cornerstones of a healthy and happy existence.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Lest I forget to remind myself....
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am not a *total* idiot.
I don't trust anyone, though. I foresee a listless personal future because others will never be able to give me what I need. I give myself what I need, but that only goes so far. I have ideas of how to fix the fulfillment issue, but ultimately I don't have the nerve.
I do know, however, that I'm fooling myself if I ever think any of this is going to work out for the better. Nothing like trying to explain it to your friends with that hollow, hopeful voice.
I'm writing this somewhat pathetic, whiny post in the hopes that someday I will be able to see solid written evidence that for once, I was wrong. I want that moment so bad that I can taste it. I do not want to instead come back and read things like this and nod to myself and say "Well, Caroline. Looks like you were right. And guess what? You wasted your life."
One thing I would like to change about myself. I am too quick to become hopeful.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am not a *total* idiot.
I don't trust anyone, though. I foresee a listless personal future because others will never be able to give me what I need. I give myself what I need, but that only goes so far. I have ideas of how to fix the fulfillment issue, but ultimately I don't have the nerve.
I do know, however, that I'm fooling myself if I ever think any of this is going to work out for the better. Nothing like trying to explain it to your friends with that hollow, hopeful voice.
I'm writing this somewhat pathetic, whiny post in the hopes that someday I will be able to see solid written evidence that for once, I was wrong. I want that moment so bad that I can taste it. I do not want to instead come back and read things like this and nod to myself and say "Well, Caroline. Looks like you were right. And guess what? You wasted your life."
One thing I would like to change about myself. I am too quick to become hopeful.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Diddy dum
Movin' right along...overall, the past 7 days haven't been too bad!
Re-established contact with extended family members, spoke with other extended family members, got some more info on the French festival, getting ready to record more for my album this Wednesday, lost a drummer, gained a drummer, been ridiculously, pathetically broke (selling CDs and books for my lunch and dinner money). Watched some movies, listened to some records, had a "fake date" with Chris Sprague, saw Deke Dickerson play, ate at Polvo's, drank margaritas, went bar-hopping, ate sausages, got some walks in before work, got some sleep at night, got some production stuff arranged for the record.
I need to get lots of sleep THIS week, too....
Re-established contact with extended family members, spoke with other extended family members, got some more info on the French festival, getting ready to record more for my album this Wednesday, lost a drummer, gained a drummer, been ridiculously, pathetically broke (selling CDs and books for my lunch and dinner money). Watched some movies, listened to some records, had a "fake date" with Chris Sprague, saw Deke Dickerson play, ate at Polvo's, drank margaritas, went bar-hopping, ate sausages, got some walks in before work, got some sleep at night, got some production stuff arranged for the record.
I need to get lots of sleep THIS week, too....
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Teehee
So I took a funny little questionnaire today. Not that any of this is to be taken seriously, but it was a little bit interesting.
Psychoanalyze Yourself:
Don't read ahead, just answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means at the end. No cheating!
1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who is with you?
Steve—he is exploring with me.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
A really amazing-looking, rare bird. Or else a snuffling boar.
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
Neither animal notices us standing there.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house, how big is it?
Smallish, by most standards—but comfortable, and looks amazing because it’s a cottage of rustic, old-fashioned dreams, nestled remotely in the big woods. I imagine it with all manner of old-fashioned creature comforts and a kitchen for real living...and the internet, hehe.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No. No need for a real fence, but maybe there is a natural barrier or trees or bushes.
6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table; what is on it?
Fresh bread (that I baked!) , a wrapped hunk of cheese (that I strained!), a crock of butter (that I made!), and a bowl of fruit (that I picked!). Oh, and a kitchen towel.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
An old tin cup that either Steve or I found somewhere along our travels. Century+ old.
8. What do you do with the cup?
If it’s on the ground outside, then I would imagine it’s there for a reason. We probably placed it there (perhaps symbolic), and so we will leave it there.
9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at a body of water; what is it?
A large lake with wild shores on all sides, a primitive deck by where we are, and on the other side, waterfalls, stone cliffs on the side of a large hill, and a nearby exit to a rapid-filled creek.
10. How will you cross the water?
From our primitive boat from our primitive deck. And barrels, for fun.
After you copy and paste into a new bulletin, and answer ALL the questions above you can look down here.
The ANSWERS
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.
Pfft, I could have told you that.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
So then, fair to middlin'. Hmmm.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
Hah! I don't deal with them, apparently. But I don't run away from them either.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
Yep, that's about right.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
I don't think my answer is quite so black-and-white.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
I'm supposed to be fretting about the kitchen towel, then. Hehe.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
Ancient, tarnished, but sturdy and thought-provoking?
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
It is what it is, after all.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
Big, with lots of opportunity for variety...sounds like me!
10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
Not an easy ride, but tried and true. Hmm.
Psychoanalyze Yourself:
Don't read ahead, just answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means at the end. No cheating!
1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who is with you?
Steve—he is exploring with me.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
A really amazing-looking, rare bird. Or else a snuffling boar.
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
Neither animal notices us standing there.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house, how big is it?
Smallish, by most standards—but comfortable, and looks amazing because it’s a cottage of rustic, old-fashioned dreams, nestled remotely in the big woods. I imagine it with all manner of old-fashioned creature comforts and a kitchen for real living...and the internet, hehe.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No. No need for a real fence, but maybe there is a natural barrier or trees or bushes.
6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table; what is on it?
Fresh bread (that I baked!) , a wrapped hunk of cheese (that I strained!), a crock of butter (that I made!), and a bowl of fruit (that I picked!). Oh, and a kitchen towel.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
An old tin cup that either Steve or I found somewhere along our travels. Century+ old.
8. What do you do with the cup?
If it’s on the ground outside, then I would imagine it’s there for a reason. We probably placed it there (perhaps symbolic), and so we will leave it there.
9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at a body of water; what is it?
A large lake with wild shores on all sides, a primitive deck by where we are, and on the other side, waterfalls, stone cliffs on the side of a large hill, and a nearby exit to a rapid-filled creek.
10. How will you cross the water?
From our primitive boat from our primitive deck. And barrels, for fun.
After you copy and paste into a new bulletin, and answer ALL the questions above you can look down here.
The ANSWERS
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.
Pfft, I could have told you that.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
So then, fair to middlin'. Hmmm.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
Hah! I don't deal with them, apparently. But I don't run away from them either.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
Yep, that's about right.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
I don't think my answer is quite so black-and-white.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
I'm supposed to be fretting about the kitchen towel, then. Hehe.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
Ancient, tarnished, but sturdy and thought-provoking?
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
It is what it is, after all.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
Big, with lots of opportunity for variety...sounds like me!
10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
Not an easy ride, but tried and true. Hmm.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Hurry up and wait
That seems like what I do....ALL THE TIME. Except, of course, when I wait, and wait, and wait...and then I hurry up because I have to, at deadline times.
I awoke today with a genuine question, almost as if I were outside of me, questioning me.
Why do I insist on stressing myself out and swimming in circles with a series of unrewarding projects, unwanted career path changes, and unfulfilling relationships that hold no chance for real future happiness?
I'm not down on myself, don't get me wrong. I am lucky, because I really am partially where I would like to be, in life. I know, ultimately, what I want and who I should let into my life. I just seem to be taking an awful lot of backsteps and missteps. If I were to examine that carefully, I would say that I have a very strong fear of real success. I have achieved a lot of successes, but I know that I haven't really tried that hard to get there.
The honest truth is that I can easily envision the whats, the wheres, and the whos of fulfilling my life's dreams, but I am afraid to achieve them. Perhaps I'm afraid of what would happen once I got to that point. Would I be disappointed? Disillusioned? I'll probably have already changed direction again by the time that hits. And if I have, would this mean the previous 10+ etc, years would have been a waste?
My father repeatedly told me from a very young age (like, 8 or 9) that I have a "fear of success." I wonder if I subconsciously took that observation to heart more than I should, and consequently lived out my life to reflect that trait. When I give this some thought, I have to say, I think I just accepted it (because my father knows everything!) and fed into it, instead of battling and conquering it.
He couldn't have known it would harm me, for he believed in honesty and I know in my deepest gut that he loved me more than life itself. But it makes me think...if my father had told me (albeit untruthfully) that I had NO fear of success, and that I can and WOULD be able to do anything I ever dreamed of in life, that it was expected of me, and actually put some more pressure on me, maybe I would have subconsciously adopted a different, more confident approach to life.
I remember asking him when I was a very small girl (4 or 5) , in a voice full of awe, hope, and reverence, if he thought *I* would be able to go to college when I grew up, and his answer was that he "hoped so." Now I'm an adult, and I can see what he meant. He meant that he hoped so "if money and opportunity and less beaurocratic red tape allowed him to send me there"...and I heard he hoped so "if I was smart enough." A little something lost in translation, and here I still remember the conversation thirty years later.
Sometimes seeing life in shades of gray, when vocalized (especially in relation to others), can harm those who are close to you. We need a little bit of "black or white" in order to discover our strengths.
I awoke today with a genuine question, almost as if I were outside of me, questioning me.
Why do I insist on stressing myself out and swimming in circles with a series of unrewarding projects, unwanted career path changes, and unfulfilling relationships that hold no chance for real future happiness?
I'm not down on myself, don't get me wrong. I am lucky, because I really am partially where I would like to be, in life. I know, ultimately, what I want and who I should let into my life. I just seem to be taking an awful lot of backsteps and missteps. If I were to examine that carefully, I would say that I have a very strong fear of real success. I have achieved a lot of successes, but I know that I haven't really tried that hard to get there.
The honest truth is that I can easily envision the whats, the wheres, and the whos of fulfilling my life's dreams, but I am afraid to achieve them. Perhaps I'm afraid of what would happen once I got to that point. Would I be disappointed? Disillusioned? I'll probably have already changed direction again by the time that hits. And if I have, would this mean the previous 10+ etc, years would have been a waste?
My father repeatedly told me from a very young age (like, 8 or 9) that I have a "fear of success." I wonder if I subconsciously took that observation to heart more than I should, and consequently lived out my life to reflect that trait. When I give this some thought, I have to say, I think I just accepted it (because my father knows everything!) and fed into it, instead of battling and conquering it.
He couldn't have known it would harm me, for he believed in honesty and I know in my deepest gut that he loved me more than life itself. But it makes me think...if my father had told me (albeit untruthfully) that I had NO fear of success, and that I can and WOULD be able to do anything I ever dreamed of in life, that it was expected of me, and actually put some more pressure on me, maybe I would have subconsciously adopted a different, more confident approach to life.
I remember asking him when I was a very small girl (4 or 5) , in a voice full of awe, hope, and reverence, if he thought *I* would be able to go to college when I grew up, and his answer was that he "hoped so." Now I'm an adult, and I can see what he meant. He meant that he hoped so "if money and opportunity and less beaurocratic red tape allowed him to send me there"...and I heard he hoped so "if I was smart enough." A little something lost in translation, and here I still remember the conversation thirty years later.
Sometimes seeing life in shades of gray, when vocalized (especially in relation to others), can harm those who are close to you. We need a little bit of "black or white" in order to discover our strengths.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
France in my pants
I just found out from Ricky Broussard that the promoters selected me to perform at the French festival next July. Wonder of wonders! I guess my spiffing up of my demo (and bio and the like) provided them with a little something to go on. Hooray for Gascony!
Hmmm. I wonder what the South of France will be like when I'm experiencing with Ricky...and Roger...and Bear...and CHADD THOMAS...okay, I'm getting a little bit spooked out now.
Hopefully since Miss Leslie is going, she'll be nice to me and I will have some fun with another gal around. I'll probably have to try to be really fun all the time, because I have long observed that I have a strong penchant for putting the "I" in team. Heh.
Not that that's a bad thing....
Ugh...I am extremely worn out this morning. I was tired last night even before I went to rehearsal, plus I bought a couple of inexpensive examples of literary deliciousness last night, which only makes me want to pull a blankie over my lap and a cat to my side and read, read, read.
The one I'm starting with is of a lighter ilk than the others. A young American girl goes to England to research the Scarlet Pimpernel, the Purple Gentian, and the Pink Carnation. She discovers all sorts of spy-laden intrigue during the French Revolution and uncovers the identity of the Pink Carnation, which had previously been unknown.
It's a little too amateurishly written, especially when it gets a tad too romance-y, but I am seriously loving the characters.
I'm tired today. Want to get my record player back from Laura and go home and listen to some stuff. And read. And nap. And make a tasty dinner and hand out candy to youngsters.
Must be the witching day casting its spell upon my person.....
Hmmm. I wonder what the South of France will be like when I'm experiencing with Ricky...and Roger...and Bear...and CHADD THOMAS...okay, I'm getting a little bit spooked out now.
Hopefully since Miss Leslie is going, she'll be nice to me and I will have some fun with another gal around. I'll probably have to try to be really fun all the time, because I have long observed that I have a strong penchant for putting the "I" in team. Heh.
Not that that's a bad thing....
Ugh...I am extremely worn out this morning. I was tired last night even before I went to rehearsal, plus I bought a couple of inexpensive examples of literary deliciousness last night, which only makes me want to pull a blankie over my lap and a cat to my side and read, read, read.
The one I'm starting with is of a lighter ilk than the others. A young American girl goes to England to research the Scarlet Pimpernel, the Purple Gentian, and the Pink Carnation. She discovers all sorts of spy-laden intrigue during the French Revolution and uncovers the identity of the Pink Carnation, which had previously been unknown.
It's a little too amateurishly written, especially when it gets a tad too romance-y, but I am seriously loving the characters.
I'm tired today. Want to get my record player back from Laura and go home and listen to some stuff. And read. And nap. And make a tasty dinner and hand out candy to youngsters.
Must be the witching day casting its spell upon my person.....
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Million miles an hour
I've been working through a lot of things in my head lately. Many of them have to do with financial troubles, as I feel like I'm sinking and I'm not sure how to get ahead. It may be that I have to bite the bullet and get another part-time job, but then I've got to do the band thing and the record thing and more. The thought of trying to do it all nearly cleaves my forehead in two.
Been thinking a lot also, lately, about what I want and don't want romantically. I have finally, for the first time in my life, gotten a somewhat clear idea of how I would like to be treated; I also have an idea of the sort of personality of the person who I would want, and how I would like to go through life if I were with this someone. For years I have known women who have very specific ideas about their ideal mate, and I scoffed because it seemed to me that all they were doing was turning away opportunities. Granted, many of them had "ideals" that would make me sick, but that's them, not me.
I am finally realizing that it is very important for me to stay true to what I want, now that I know what that is. It's a shame no one I currently know fits the bill. But I am happy in general, and I feel hope. I was out last Friday at Lambert's and was intrigued by many people I had never seen before; compelled by curiosity and attaction, and impressed by the collective IQ. I don't doubt for a minute that I will meet these people in the future. In the meantime, I need to make sure the projects that keep me the most happy don't fall prey to my rather frequent fits of melancholy and lethargia.
And by the way..about these new projects that keep me happy... my new band ROCKS! Dante was exactly what we needed to get things tied in place. He and I have been doing some co-writing as of late, and it's great to put my words to his inventive and evocative melodies. And he keeps on top of me for the guitar too, telling me when I'm being lazy. I love that. And we have practice tonight and I have work to do. It helps that when we were all at Nick's for his party on Satruday night, that Darren was gushing about my song. I'm glad he liked it, because this is so new to me that any bit of compliment and non-criticism is welcome. As far as this project goes, I do not want criticism so early on, even in the name of art.
DB Harris is in Nashville working on the harmonies for "It's Later Now"-- he is in touch with Mario to make sure the tracks are in place and they're loading the files to .ftp for ease and efficiency. It looks like my idea to make "It's Later now" a male-female duet might be possible, even after the fact ! This Thursday afternoon I'm meeting with Brennen Leigh to have girlie time and go over the songs on my album to see where she would fit in (and she's definitely doing mandolin on 'Daddy's Girl").
Mario is working withthe horn players and other soloists, as I have given him carte blanche to make "Threshold of Heartache" sound exactly like what he is envisioning. If it sounds totally Spanish, that's just fine with me.
And I am recording with Jim Stringer on November 14th. Besides the engineering, I think he's going to do some straight steel on a couple of the songs; maybe male harmonies too. We'll see how involved he wants to be. I am working on finding a good pedal steel player to record here in Austin. Mario said he'd make sure Carlos paid for that, and all I have to do is nail down a price and let Mario know.
Things are coming together, that's for sure! After mid-November, my main focus is to work on the album design, the liner notes, and get some good photographs taken. I also need to talk to my stylist girlfriends to see if one of them could make my hair look like Loretta Lynn ca. 1970, for the photo session. I'm going to need an awful lot of fake hair for that!
Been thinking a lot also, lately, about what I want and don't want romantically. I have finally, for the first time in my life, gotten a somewhat clear idea of how I would like to be treated; I also have an idea of the sort of personality of the person who I would want, and how I would like to go through life if I were with this someone. For years I have known women who have very specific ideas about their ideal mate, and I scoffed because it seemed to me that all they were doing was turning away opportunities. Granted, many of them had "ideals" that would make me sick, but that's them, not me.
I am finally realizing that it is very important for me to stay true to what I want, now that I know what that is. It's a shame no one I currently know fits the bill. But I am happy in general, and I feel hope. I was out last Friday at Lambert's and was intrigued by many people I had never seen before; compelled by curiosity and attaction, and impressed by the collective IQ. I don't doubt for a minute that I will meet these people in the future. In the meantime, I need to make sure the projects that keep me the most happy don't fall prey to my rather frequent fits of melancholy and lethargia.
And by the way..about these new projects that keep me happy... my new band ROCKS! Dante was exactly what we needed to get things tied in place. He and I have been doing some co-writing as of late, and it's great to put my words to his inventive and evocative melodies. And he keeps on top of me for the guitar too, telling me when I'm being lazy. I love that. And we have practice tonight and I have work to do. It helps that when we were all at Nick's for his party on Satruday night, that Darren was gushing about my song. I'm glad he liked it, because this is so new to me that any bit of compliment and non-criticism is welcome. As far as this project goes, I do not want criticism so early on, even in the name of art.
DB Harris is in Nashville working on the harmonies for "It's Later Now"-- he is in touch with Mario to make sure the tracks are in place and they're loading the files to .ftp for ease and efficiency. It looks like my idea to make "It's Later now" a male-female duet might be possible, even after the fact ! This Thursday afternoon I'm meeting with Brennen Leigh to have girlie time and go over the songs on my album to see where she would fit in (and she's definitely doing mandolin on 'Daddy's Girl").
Mario is working withthe horn players and other soloists, as I have given him carte blanche to make "Threshold of Heartache" sound exactly like what he is envisioning. If it sounds totally Spanish, that's just fine with me.
And I am recording with Jim Stringer on November 14th. Besides the engineering, I think he's going to do some straight steel on a couple of the songs; maybe male harmonies too. We'll see how involved he wants to be. I am working on finding a good pedal steel player to record here in Austin. Mario said he'd make sure Carlos paid for that, and all I have to do is nail down a price and let Mario know.
Things are coming together, that's for sure! After mid-November, my main focus is to work on the album design, the liner notes, and get some good photographs taken. I also need to talk to my stylist girlfriends to see if one of them could make my hair look like Loretta Lynn ca. 1970, for the photo session. I'm going to need an awful lot of fake hair for that!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Busy, schmizzy.
Funny how I need to spell "schmizzy" as such, instead of "schmusy". Ahh, the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
Band practice last night was AMAZING! The addition of Misti totally pulled the whole thing together, and Charlie's drumming sounded great too. The songs we played sounded like REAL songs, and we even worked up an original tune...if only I could come up with non country-oriented lyrics at the drop of a hat.
Still no word from Dante. Hopefully he's gotten here okay and hasn't run into too many difficulties on the drive from California.
I pick up my CD at Kinko's later, along with a couple of prints of my promo photographs, and thus I'll be able to pack them up with my spiffed-up bio and get it to Rick B. sometime tomorrow. Wahoo!
Rachel got offered a job with American Eagle. Good for her! I hope she weathers the changes and transitions well while moving into this new chapter of her life. It's amazing to feel real personal power, and I don't think she's ever felt it keenly, like this will surely do for her.
I think we underestimate the feeling of personal power. I've been trying to make sure that I keep remembering how it feels by constantly trying new activities, however insignificant they may appear to be. I may feel like the "stupid kid" as I learn these new skills and meet all these new people, but eventually I'll master whatever I need to and be that much better for it.
The garage band is part of my trying new things, for sure. Tamborine, maracas, shakers, and a front-and-center stage attitude is something I'm not quite comfortable with, but it's sort of a 'duck to water' thing when you've got great people you're working with. And we've been practicing in a real garage, which is a blast (albeit warm at this time of year).
Also, my new cheap gym and the classes that go with it are challenging as well. I've been working my ASS off trying to feel physically better and stronger. Slowly things are improving to that end.
Designing and making a CD cover on my own and getting my demo CD professionally printed (even if it was only one CD) is helping me feel like I LOOK more musically impressive to people who want to see that, like the promoters of that French country music festival. I've always approached my music with such an amateurish attitude that it's kind of nice to try on a coat of a different (bright, sumptuous) color for a change.
This week, if I meet up with Dante, I'll be showing him around town and getting him acclimated...although he's resourceful and pragmatic from what I could tell. Nevertheless it helps to have a go-to person when you're in a new city.
My next new activity is going to be volunteering at somewhere for a day. I don't want a huge commitment to that sort of thing due to time constraints, but I want to do something, somewhere...and soon.
Band practice last night was AMAZING! The addition of Misti totally pulled the whole thing together, and Charlie's drumming sounded great too. The songs we played sounded like REAL songs, and we even worked up an original tune...if only I could come up with non country-oriented lyrics at the drop of a hat.
Still no word from Dante. Hopefully he's gotten here okay and hasn't run into too many difficulties on the drive from California.
I pick up my CD at Kinko's later, along with a couple of prints of my promo photographs, and thus I'll be able to pack them up with my spiffed-up bio and get it to Rick B. sometime tomorrow. Wahoo!
Rachel got offered a job with American Eagle. Good for her! I hope she weathers the changes and transitions well while moving into this new chapter of her life. It's amazing to feel real personal power, and I don't think she's ever felt it keenly, like this will surely do for her.
I think we underestimate the feeling of personal power. I've been trying to make sure that I keep remembering how it feels by constantly trying new activities, however insignificant they may appear to be. I may feel like the "stupid kid" as I learn these new skills and meet all these new people, but eventually I'll master whatever I need to and be that much better for it.
The garage band is part of my trying new things, for sure. Tamborine, maracas, shakers, and a front-and-center stage attitude is something I'm not quite comfortable with, but it's sort of a 'duck to water' thing when you've got great people you're working with. And we've been practicing in a real garage, which is a blast (albeit warm at this time of year).
Also, my new cheap gym and the classes that go with it are challenging as well. I've been working my ASS off trying to feel physically better and stronger. Slowly things are improving to that end.
Designing and making a CD cover on my own and getting my demo CD professionally printed (even if it was only one CD) is helping me feel like I LOOK more musically impressive to people who want to see that, like the promoters of that French country music festival. I've always approached my music with such an amateurish attitude that it's kind of nice to try on a coat of a different (bright, sumptuous) color for a change.
This week, if I meet up with Dante, I'll be showing him around town and getting him acclimated...although he's resourceful and pragmatic from what I could tell. Nevertheless it helps to have a go-to person when you're in a new city.
My next new activity is going to be volunteering at somewhere for a day. I don't want a huge commitment to that sort of thing due to time constraints, but I want to do something, somewhere...and soon.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
My Monday was...something!
I worked. I went to check out a gym last night and ended up joining. It's a women-only gym, and has a pool to boot. Ten dollars cheaper per month than Gold's was. I'm excited...I even saw little old ladies in the pool taking a "Senior Aquatics" class, complete with floaty noodles. I was hoping to find a bunch of old 1950s "calisthenics" equipment (such as the shaky hip-belt thingie, whatever that's called), but apparently I'm going to have to settle for a flowery swim cap and 'free swim. '
After I signed my life away, I went home. Yummy food. Greens and such. Followed by a quite unexpected phone call from Justin, which resulted in a margarita at Matt's el Rancho with some folks, and a long catch-up session. Amused reminiscing about the time when my dress broke whilst go-go dancing at an Ugly Beats show and he had to help me improvise a black duct-tape mini-skirt in the back room. I forgot about how his good humor, sense of adventure and devil-may-care attitude makes those odd situations into great stories...and great, great fun.
I am even sleepier today than I was yesterday. I think combined, I have about eight hours' sleep from both nights.
*yawn*
After I signed my life away, I went home. Yummy food. Greens and such. Followed by a quite unexpected phone call from Justin, which resulted in a margarita at Matt's el Rancho with some folks, and a long catch-up session. Amused reminiscing about the time when my dress broke whilst go-go dancing at an Ugly Beats show and he had to help me improvise a black duct-tape mini-skirt in the back room. I forgot about how his good humor, sense of adventure and devil-may-care attitude makes those odd situations into great stories...and great, great fun.
I am even sleepier today than I was yesterday. I think combined, I have about eight hours' sleep from both nights.
*yawn*
Monday, September 24, 2007
My weekend was...something!
My weekend was exhausting, but overall it was good for me...cathartic.
Friday evening after work I went for a walk, did a DVD workout and then later I went over to Donny's house to meet him. We talked and messed around for a while with his Farfisa and guitars. He and his girlfriend both seem like VERY sweet people. I hope he comes to work with me/us, musically. He's definitely got a feel for the psyche, which is something I wouldn't mind delving into a *little* bit. As long as it doesn't go too near that lame "indie-psyche" that seems so common among devotees of Brian Jonestown Massacre, etc.
After I left, I went home and baked cookies and finished up the wine I'd bought last weekend. I watched "Sex and the City" late into the evening (in lieu of girlfriends' company) and cried and was really, really angry for the rest of the night. It felt really good to be angry. I am still angry. Hooray for angry!
Saturday I called Mario and we discussed timelines and other necessary details for my record. Oh, how wonderful! I realized how much better I work when I have specific deadlines, so we set some. We had a great talk, and I feel much better and more clear about finishing the record now.
Friday evening after work I went for a walk, did a DVD workout and then later I went over to Donny's house to meet him. We talked and messed around for a while with his Farfisa and guitars. He and his girlfriend both seem like VERY sweet people. I hope he comes to work with me/us, musically. He's definitely got a feel for the psyche, which is something I wouldn't mind delving into a *little* bit. As long as it doesn't go too near that lame "indie-psyche" that seems so common among devotees of Brian Jonestown Massacre, etc.
After I left, I went home and baked cookies and finished up the wine I'd bought last weekend. I watched "Sex and the City" late into the evening (in lieu of girlfriends' company) and cried and was really, really angry for the rest of the night. It felt really good to be angry. I am still angry. Hooray for angry!
Saturday I called Mario and we discussed timelines and other necessary details for my record. Oh, how wonderful! I realized how much better I work when I have specific deadlines, so we set some. We had a great talk, and I feel much better and more clear about finishing the record now.
I dropped by Monica's in the early afternoon to take her and Bobby some of the cookies I'd baked (Baby Dumpling, her kitty for 17 years had been put to sleep the day before). She gave me some money in exchange for me schlepping over to Michael's and picking up supplies so I could make her a whole new slew of crafty '40s flowers for her hair. I forgot how fun that crafty little habit of mine can be.
I got home and roasted a chicken, made a sweet potato and some seasoned cabbage...relaxed and made flowers until it was time to get gussied up to go see Deke.
Wait, I can't believe it...I actually went to see Deke play???
It was rather fun, to tell the truth. I got in my old "get-up", just because...bamboo-style vintage halter dress, big hair flowers, curled hair, high heels, the works. I hadn't even gotten that gussied in Spain. Eh. Could be that I'd unearthed enough of my old vintage stuff to finally get excited about wearing it again, I don't know. I've got some really beautiful things that shouldn't just be hanging in a closet or folded into a bin.
I went to the show and met several new people and saw plenty of old friends; there were even some Europeans about. I didn't even know those folks came here anymore, these days! Heh.
I saw Misti W. while I was at the Continental, and was ecstatic to hear that she's looking for a new musical project. Shandon Sahm doesn't play much, she's not in Mr. Lewis and the Funeral Five anymore, and apparently The Dirty Hearts are taking a break. Wahoo!
She loves my singing and is dying to be in a band with me, as it turns out! So there you have it. if I have anything to say about it, Misti is going to be the final piece of our little 60s band. Hope fills my soul.
I went home at bar closing, mentally and physically drained. It was the kind of drained where I sat on my couch for another hour and half, half-watching TV, unwinding but not sleeping.
Sunday came...I awoke depressed. Stayed in bed. Cried. Was angry. Felt like crap about my fat, lazy, unlovable self. Luckily, I know me fairly well and knew that once I got up, it was going to be a galvanizing day. I knew it but at the same time, wasn't really looking forward to it.
Finally at 1:30pm I dragged myself out of bed and out to get some creamer for my coffee. I made a BIG pot of the stuff, took some allergy medicine, and within an hour, I was in my room going through all of my stuff. And I do mean all. I spent the next eight hours purging, re-arranging, cleaning, and finding storage places for all that had been in dusty bins and boxes and bags. Little things, big things; my entire purse collection, all the stuff that doesn't fit me anymore (but will again), etc., etc.
I got rid of the old computer and the desk and many, many other items. Goodwill got a huge amount of goodies from me yesterday, that's for sure. I'm lucky to have the Goodwill so close to my house, with a drive-through drop-off spot, no less. They haven't seen the last of me!
The beautiful thing was, in the end I found a place for everything, with room to spare. And now my room is re-arranged and my bed is in a better spot and I can finally relax.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Dime a dozen
I've been taking an objective look into my romantic history for the past ten years:
1) Alcoholics
2) Men who live in other countries
3) Depressives
4) Emotionally unavailable and jerky
5) Stoners
6) Womanizers
7) Emotionally unavailable, but not jerky
8) Overly needy
I really know how to pick 'em, it seems. At least there's only one person out of this entire 'collection' who I ever fooled myself enough to think that maybe he was the right man for me. I never believed in and usually scoffed at women (ok, GIRLS) who said "You know? I think he's The One." Hahaha! And though I'll still scoff at that overall, I can now understand how an otherwise rational person might come to wonder that from time to time when they meet someone really special.
I can't wait until I'm up and running free and happy again. I mean, REALLY up and running. Not running away.
1) Alcoholics
2) Men who live in other countries
3) Depressives
4) Emotionally unavailable and jerky
5) Stoners
6) Womanizers
7) Emotionally unavailable, but not jerky
8) Overly needy
I really know how to pick 'em, it seems. At least there's only one person out of this entire 'collection' who I ever fooled myself enough to think that maybe he was the right man for me. I never believed in and usually scoffed at women (ok, GIRLS) who said "You know? I think he's The One." Hahaha! And though I'll still scoff at that overall, I can now understand how an otherwise rational person might come to wonder that from time to time when they meet someone really special.
I can't wait until I'm up and running free and happy again. I mean, REALLY up and running. Not running away.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Oh, lordie. Here it all comes.
Having gone over many things in my head and having come to some sad, truthful conclusions, thus begins the cyclic emotions that slowly, surely (I fucking hope) will evolve into true acceptance and improvement of character.
Stiff with the top lip, up with the chin, long in the spine, back with the shoulders, in with the tummy. I dream that I may truly learn to stay the hell away from situations that I know will bring me down.
Today, though? I just feel really, REALLY cheated.
Stiff with the top lip, up with the chin, long in the spine, back with the shoulders, in with the tummy. I dream that I may truly learn to stay the hell away from situations that I know will bring me down.
Today, though? I just feel really, REALLY cheated.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Happening!
Last night I met Laurie for a little hangout session and it was SO FUN! She has totally re-inspired me about my music. The fact that she has a fairly big voice at KUT doesn't hurt, that's for sure. I let her hear the rough tracks on my record and with her response, I only want to push forward and make this baby happen. She's such a firecracker and positive influence. Almost like a drug.
I also decided that I'm going to beef up my music blog since I post on there so rarely, but always have something worth blogging about when it comes to making or talking about music. And it'll get my mind off my mind, if that makes any sense.
OVER-ANALYZATION OUT! MUSIC IN!!!
I also decided that I'm going to beef up my music blog since I post on there so rarely, but always have something worth blogging about when it comes to making or talking about music. And it'll get my mind off my mind, if that makes any sense.
OVER-ANALYZATION OUT! MUSIC IN!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
If I went to one last night, do I have to take one this morning?
Went to Monica and Bobby's shower last night at the upstairs of the Continental Club. It was a blast! I got to see people I hadn't seen in years. I can't remember the last time people like Tanya Babitch, Jennifer Barker-Benfield, Tom & Laura, Lisa Dean, Veronica, Justine, Julie Peterson, etc. were all in the same room together. How fun! It looks like maybe I need to have a party sometime and get some people over.
However...although I thought it was funny at the time, I probably shouldn't have written "Suck Me" on the big stuffed pacifier that everyone was passing around and signing with a Sharpie. Heh.
Afterward I went home and worked my way through some wine, sat on the couch, and thought about stuff.
And I'm not sad.
However...although I thought it was funny at the time, I probably shouldn't have written "Suck Me" on the big stuffed pacifier that everyone was passing around and signing with a Sharpie. Heh.
Afterward I went home and worked my way through some wine, sat on the couch, and thought about stuff.
And I'm not sad.
Monday, September 17, 2007
It's a little late in the game
It's a little late in life for me me to truly, TRULY understand this, but finally I get it. For the first time in my life, a very personal way, I can wrap my head around the painful complexities of the term "irreconcilable differences."
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
My own company
I enjoy my own company most of all.
The past week or so I have been feeling very easily harangued, and my personal relationships have felt inexplicably (okay, explicably) complicated. Thus, I have been retreating into my own mind until this mood passes. Very soon here, I will either work through it and express what I need to express, or else it'll just fade out when a fun-loving, expansive mood finally hits me again.
Last night I walked on Town Lake (ran into Jen Barker-Benfield and so walked with her and her friend for a couple of miles). Afterward, I grabbed a salad and went to Target to get contact solution and allergy medication.
I went home, ate my salad and lay on the couch and read, undisturbed, for five solid hours.
I love that a lot more than I realize. Sweet, sweet solitude.
The past week or so I have been feeling very easily harangued, and my personal relationships have felt inexplicably (okay, explicably) complicated. Thus, I have been retreating into my own mind until this mood passes. Very soon here, I will either work through it and express what I need to express, or else it'll just fade out when a fun-loving, expansive mood finally hits me again.
Last night I walked on Town Lake (ran into Jen Barker-Benfield and so walked with her and her friend for a couple of miles). Afterward, I grabbed a salad and went to Target to get contact solution and allergy medication.
I went home, ate my salad and lay on the couch and read, undisturbed, for five solid hours.
I love that a lot more than I realize. Sweet, sweet solitude.
Monday, September 10, 2007
And just when I think I should suppress all my emotions
Someone comes along and tells me it's okay to have them. The hurt, the anger, the sadness...it's okay to have them.
This came to my Myspace inbox from Barbara at Get Hip:
This came to my Myspace inbox from Barbara at Get Hip:
Hi Caroline,
So I used the demo CD you gave us in Austin last time to listen to while I was stripping icky wallpaper from my kitchen wall... yeah doesn't sound glamorous but that is the time when I will completely concentrate in the music while doing something productive, ha!
So I listen to it like 10 times on a row and kept liking it more and more every time. I know some (or most) of it is on the demo stage and I can't wait to hear it finished. You need to keep throwing guts at your singing and lyric writing... you have that raw and true talent that I personally envy because my weak voice has always held me back from trying to attempt singing. I'm always told that I'm fearless and strong but really, compare to you or Michael K or other people that throw everything out there for others to criticize, well I think I am a coward.
I wanted to tell you that my FAVE song on your CD is IT'S LATER NOW. What an awesome song... it could've been on like a Gram Parsons album or something like that. Great.
Keep up the good work girl, and most of all BE HAPPY.
Love,
Barbara
Hello, 911? I do believe that I've shot myself in the foot.
I’m confused and occasionally saddened by my choices of how I handle my relationships with people. I want to be happy and so should be strong enough to make the choices to attain this happiness.
Luckily, the whole world's not where I am. Some other people seem to be taking steps towards hope and happiness.
I saw Marshall leaving Reid’s apartment last night. I had just returned my movies to Vulcan and was getting out of my car when I saw him come down the stairs, with a date. They seemed absorbed in each other; flirty and giddy. I sat there watching quietly from my dark car about thirty feet away, trying not to bring attention to myself. I did not want to distract them and make them feel like they were being observed. I was smiling and my heart was glad for Marshall. I am very, very happy for him and I hope it works out.
Luckily, the whole world's not where I am. Some other people seem to be taking steps towards hope and happiness.
I saw Marshall leaving Reid’s apartment last night. I had just returned my movies to Vulcan and was getting out of my car when I saw him come down the stairs, with a date. They seemed absorbed in each other; flirty and giddy. I sat there watching quietly from my dark car about thirty feet away, trying not to bring attention to myself. I did not want to distract them and make them feel like they were being observed. I was smiling and my heart was glad for Marshall. I am very, very happy for him and I hope it works out.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Positively Bubbly
It’s Friday and I’m looking forward to this weekend! I have three dollar bills, about $5.00 in quarters and $3.55 in the bank so I guess that’s what I will have to use to survive unless I sell some more stuff. Be that as it may, I’m going to pet the kitties, watch Rock Hudson & Doris Day, stretch, sleep in, walk 10-15K before Monday. I’m going to work on my record and hang out with Steve (hooray! It’s been so fun lately) and see “This Is England” and work on stuff for the new band. My place is already clean, so all I really have to do is get rid of some of the vintage stuff and rearrange my room. I may or may not get to that, heehee.
I’ve been sinking into a happy little zone lately, but it’s somewhat dangerous. My new way of enjoying my space is to eat a filling supper followed by a movie and appropriate movie snacks (popcorn, etc). I've hit that total "I can do whatever the hell I want", low-stress comfort zone, which frankly given my indulgent personality, is not so good for me. I’ve been trying to exercise as much as my knee will allow, but what I really need is to get over this hump and shrink my stomach enough to be satisfied with less. It's going to take more exercise to get there than I'm currently doing.
I know these cravings will be easier to outmaneuver after next week, when my money situation eases up and I’m able to buy lots of groceries that are more expensive but are much healthier and satisfy me just as much. For instance, those organic dried soups…veggie chili and all that, used to be a mainstay for me. I like them but they're almost three bucks a pop! And a good cut of fish or a small pile of shrimp; Organic boxes of tomato and squash soup, salad fixings and goat cheese and feta and lots of good fresh fruit.
I’ve been sinking into a happy little zone lately, but it’s somewhat dangerous. My new way of enjoying my space is to eat a filling supper followed by a movie and appropriate movie snacks (popcorn, etc). I've hit that total "I can do whatever the hell I want", low-stress comfort zone, which frankly given my indulgent personality, is not so good for me. I’ve been trying to exercise as much as my knee will allow, but what I really need is to get over this hump and shrink my stomach enough to be satisfied with less. It's going to take more exercise to get there than I'm currently doing.
I know these cravings will be easier to outmaneuver after next week, when my money situation eases up and I’m able to buy lots of groceries that are more expensive but are much healthier and satisfy me just as much. For instance, those organic dried soups…veggie chili and all that, used to be a mainstay for me. I like them but they're almost three bucks a pop! And a good cut of fish or a small pile of shrimp; Organic boxes of tomato and squash soup, salad fixings and goat cheese and feta and lots of good fresh fruit.
A Totino’s pizza is 99 cents. A Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box is 99 cents. All that junk that may be tasty ONCE IN A WHILE is about all I have been able to afford for the past couple of weeks, except for my “gone far too soon” grocery splurge after selling some stuff for cash. It's expensive to love good, healthy food as much as I do. I wish I cared about food so little that I would be physically satisfied with a can of tuna, iceberg lettuce and cottage cheese, but well....
I just keep telling myself that it’ll be over soon! I plan to use the drive-thru at Baby Greens a lot more, and vegetarian/pescetarian again is also the plan. I’ll get there eventually. I really will.
I’m all abuzz with ideas and projects and feeling good other than that. Life is pretty much as it should be except of course I am impatient to get everything I want and I’d like to have the money to do it.
I just keep telling myself that it’ll be over soon! I plan to use the drive-thru at Baby Greens a lot more, and vegetarian/pescetarian again is also the plan. I’ll get there eventually. I really will.
I’m all abuzz with ideas and projects and feeling good other than that. Life is pretty much as it should be except of course I am impatient to get everything I want and I’d like to have the money to do it.
In other self-indulgent news: aside from food and fun--I'm getting a haircut, the new Harry Potter book, and a bottle of decent perfume as soon as fiscally possible! So there.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
I’ll make it up if I have to!
So apparently, if I don’t have anything to feel directly guilty about and things are going swimmingly for me, my subconscious will actually make stuff up for me to feel guilty about. Last night’s dream woke me at 3:41am and it took me hours to fall asleep again, trying to figure out how to handle a sticky situation that I'd just created in my dream. That half-awake worry tumbled into fully awake worries about the other issues I still feel—unresolved stuff with Brian, for instance. I really abhor that my mind does that to me.
I am trying to figure out what to do when that occurs. It’s very difficult to just roll over and fall back asleep...after all, it’s me we’re talking about here. Hehe.
About my current state of affairs, I’m in a seemingly perpetual state of “want.” I want to lose weight; I want meaningful, fulfilling romantic love; I want to create amazing music and write good books and see the world. It seems as if none of that stuff is happening fast enough to keep up with my desires. Exactly how mature am I, that I still doggedly maintain this "need" for instant gratification?
Hmmmm......
I am trying to figure out what to do when that occurs. It’s very difficult to just roll over and fall back asleep...after all, it’s me we’re talking about here. Hehe.
About my current state of affairs, I’m in a seemingly perpetual state of “want.” I want to lose weight; I want meaningful, fulfilling romantic love; I want to create amazing music and write good books and see the world. It seems as if none of that stuff is happening fast enough to keep up with my desires. Exactly how mature am I, that I still doggedly maintain this "need" for instant gratification?
Hmmmm......
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