I love Shandon S., because he is one of the only friends I have that actually sends me messages like this. He's a true Texas boy, just like his famous papa.
how r u??the piture your using kix butt..very cool...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Hmmm.
I suppose it stands to reason that when one or two areas of my life start going well, they are offset by one or two others taking a turn for the worse.
My band is going great, my record is coming out. I've got shows in Las Vegas and France planned, and today, at my job, I just got a great promotion (and a raise).
Unfortunately, my body feels like it's falling apart, so I'm not able to really enjoy any of those things.
I can scarcely imagine what wandering around VLV is going to be like when my body is in this shape. And SxSW will be significantly low-key, also. Muck and the Mires are coming back to town and they want to hang out. Also, Eddie Munoz is coming in, playing with Magic Christian. I look forward to seeing him (albeit from a distance). Eddie wanted to stay with me but I had to say 'no' since I don't have the room (or the physical/emotional energy). Muck and the folks are so great that I will definitely want to hang with them as much as possible for the duration. I guess I've got to figure out how to "rock" this disability and get myself a really stylin' cane or something. Maybe get a regular metal one and cover it with "pulp" paper and shellac it, etc. Something a little unexpected and punk rock, hehe.
I am at the heaviest weight that I've ever been, and words cannot even express the singularly frustrating place I am in, not being able to do anything about it. I cannot exercise they way I need to and yearn to, and in fact cannot even lead a normal, semi-active life right now. As I was taking a shower before work this morning, the thought occurred to me that the whole process would be a lot easier if I had one of those "shower chairs." That's horrifying and sad to me. I'm still grappling with the fact that my life is actually changing because of this physical problem. I'm having emotional issues thinking about things like that if I actually *did* have a baby, how would I actually be able to do it physically? Afterward, how would I be able to care for it the way I want to? I mean, parenting is HARD on you.
I am going to have to find some free mental therapy, somehow.
I spent last week holed up at home, recovering from my insanely busy prior week. But with that necessary down time came REAL "down" time. I became frustrated with my body and now it has started to settle into a bona fida depression, and I am trying, but right now I can't see my way out of it.
My lack of contact with Steve has been necessary due to his state of mind, but the fact that we have a hard time communicating these days hurts me and makes me sad. There's a big hole where all of our laughter and fun, our mutual inspiration and discovery used to be.
Contact with the person I have been recently dating has also had its very import heightened, because of my current fragile state of mind. Who wants to be 'needy?' Not I. Definitely not I.
I don't like to fall into old traps, or walk my old, well-worn paths of paranoia and self-loathing and immature delusions. Somehow, because of the pain my body is feeling, all of those old traits are beginning to surface with a vengeance. I have to quell them. I must quell them.
I can't wait until my first Physical Therapy appointment. And until this stupid left foot injury heals (4-6 weeks, I have to wear this stupid foam shoe!). And now I have to buy some new socks 'cos my old ones, while quite rockin', are, well...old and faded.
So. The good news.
I got a promotion! I'm really, really happy about that today.
Monica and I might get a haircut together tomorrow, and then I've been working out with weights and abdominal exercises for the past couple of mornings too. It really needs to sink in to me that every little bit helps, even if I can't hit the elliptical trainer anymore. I've got to pull myself together before this depression gets too tough for me to yank myself out of.
I'm rooting for me.....
My band is going great, my record is coming out. I've got shows in Las Vegas and France planned, and today, at my job, I just got a great promotion (and a raise).
Unfortunately, my body feels like it's falling apart, so I'm not able to really enjoy any of those things.
I can scarcely imagine what wandering around VLV is going to be like when my body is in this shape. And SxSW will be significantly low-key, also. Muck and the Mires are coming back to town and they want to hang out. Also, Eddie Munoz is coming in, playing with Magic Christian. I look forward to seeing him (albeit from a distance). Eddie wanted to stay with me but I had to say 'no' since I don't have the room (or the physical/emotional energy). Muck and the folks are so great that I will definitely want to hang with them as much as possible for the duration. I guess I've got to figure out how to "rock" this disability and get myself a really stylin' cane or something. Maybe get a regular metal one and cover it with "pulp" paper and shellac it, etc. Something a little unexpected and punk rock, hehe.
I am at the heaviest weight that I've ever been, and words cannot even express the singularly frustrating place I am in, not being able to do anything about it. I cannot exercise they way I need to and yearn to, and in fact cannot even lead a normal, semi-active life right now. As I was taking a shower before work this morning, the thought occurred to me that the whole process would be a lot easier if I had one of those "shower chairs." That's horrifying and sad to me. I'm still grappling with the fact that my life is actually changing because of this physical problem. I'm having emotional issues thinking about things like that if I actually *did* have a baby, how would I actually be able to do it physically? Afterward, how would I be able to care for it the way I want to? I mean, parenting is HARD on you.
I am going to have to find some free mental therapy, somehow.
I spent last week holed up at home, recovering from my insanely busy prior week. But with that necessary down time came REAL "down" time. I became frustrated with my body and now it has started to settle into a bona fida depression, and I am trying, but right now I can't see my way out of it.
My lack of contact with Steve has been necessary due to his state of mind, but the fact that we have a hard time communicating these days hurts me and makes me sad. There's a big hole where all of our laughter and fun, our mutual inspiration and discovery used to be.
Contact with the person I have been recently dating has also had its very import heightened, because of my current fragile state of mind. Who wants to be 'needy?' Not I. Definitely not I.
I don't like to fall into old traps, or walk my old, well-worn paths of paranoia and self-loathing and immature delusions. Somehow, because of the pain my body is feeling, all of those old traits are beginning to surface with a vengeance. I have to quell them. I must quell them.
I can't wait until my first Physical Therapy appointment. And until this stupid left foot injury heals (4-6 weeks, I have to wear this stupid foam shoe!). And now I have to buy some new socks 'cos my old ones, while quite rockin', are, well...old and faded.
So. The good news.
I got a promotion! I'm really, really happy about that today.
Monica and I might get a haircut together tomorrow, and then I've been working out with weights and abdominal exercises for the past couple of mornings too. It really needs to sink in to me that every little bit helps, even if I can't hit the elliptical trainer anymore. I've got to pull myself together before this depression gets too tough for me to yank myself out of.
I'm rooting for me.....
Monday, January 14, 2008
Wow
It's been over a month since I posted last. I suppose it's because I've been either sick, incredibly busy, out of town, or posting on Myspace instead.
Things are coming to a head with my record, finally. I think I should have all those details out of the way very soon. In addition to this project, I've been treading water trying to keep up with my bandmates for the Teen Sensations. We've now had band pictures taken, gotten our first gig, and scheduled a recording session with lots of extra practices thrown in to boot. Exhausting, but for me it feels worth the effort!
On a personal side, I think this year I am taking back my life and loosening my relationships with those who don't make me happy. I plan to guard my down time with a vengeance and not be so bound by "obligation". My decisions and activities are going to be much less directed by guilt, and more directed by a genuine, unapologetic urge to make myself happy.
I am actively looking for a fulfilling long-term relationship for the first time in my life. I am really okay with admitting that I would like this, even though it really has no basis on who I actually meet and/or fall in love with (I wish it were that easy!). I'm going to take better care of myself by choosing a partner who will make my life a joy to live, as I will to theirs. One step at a time, though...one step at a time.
I am tackling things with vigor, and that includes taking care of me. I look forward to this year very, very much and I have high hopes that I will grow in leaps and bounds.
This week is busy: planning and down time tonight, band practice on Tuesday and Thursday, a photo session on Wednesday and a date after that (and if I'd gone to Jerry's BBQ on Friday, I actually would have met him for the first time there! Oddly coincidental). Barb is in town on Friday evening, and The Teen Sensations are recording all day Saturday, from 10am to 10pm.
Mamma mia, but I am busy, and hooray for that! I'm not really stressed about these activities as as I have been in the past, because I firmly believe that I am actively following my desires and laying out my boundaries...and looking people in the eye and smiling at them.
Things are coming to a head with my record, finally. I think I should have all those details out of the way very soon. In addition to this project, I've been treading water trying to keep up with my bandmates for the Teen Sensations. We've now had band pictures taken, gotten our first gig, and scheduled a recording session with lots of extra practices thrown in to boot. Exhausting, but for me it feels worth the effort!
On a personal side, I think this year I am taking back my life and loosening my relationships with those who don't make me happy. I plan to guard my down time with a vengeance and not be so bound by "obligation". My decisions and activities are going to be much less directed by guilt, and more directed by a genuine, unapologetic urge to make myself happy.
I am actively looking for a fulfilling long-term relationship for the first time in my life. I am really okay with admitting that I would like this, even though it really has no basis on who I actually meet and/or fall in love with (I wish it were that easy!). I'm going to take better care of myself by choosing a partner who will make my life a joy to live, as I will to theirs. One step at a time, though...one step at a time.
I am tackling things with vigor, and that includes taking care of me. I look forward to this year very, very much and I have high hopes that I will grow in leaps and bounds.
This week is busy: planning and down time tonight, band practice on Tuesday and Thursday, a photo session on Wednesday and a date after that (and if I'd gone to Jerry's BBQ on Friday, I actually would have met him for the first time there! Oddly coincidental). Barb is in town on Friday evening, and The Teen Sensations are recording all day Saturday, from 10am to 10pm.
Mamma mia, but I am busy, and hooray for that! I'm not really stressed about these activities as as I have been in the past, because I firmly believe that I am actively following my desires and laying out my boundaries...and looking people in the eye and smiling at them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
