I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am NOT an idiot.
I am not a *total* idiot.
I don't trust anyone, though. I foresee a listless personal future because others will never be able to give me what I need. I give myself what I need, but that only goes so far. I have ideas of how to fix the fulfillment issue, but ultimately I don't have the nerve.
I do know, however, that I'm fooling myself if I ever think any of this is going to work out for the better. Nothing like trying to explain it to your friends with that hollow, hopeful voice.
I'm writing this somewhat pathetic, whiny post in the hopes that someday I will be able to see solid written evidence that for once, I was wrong. I want that moment so bad that I can taste it. I do not want to instead come back and read things like this and nod to myself and say "Well, Caroline. Looks like you were right. And guess what? You wasted your life."
One thing I would like to change about myself. I am too quick to become hopeful.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Diddy dum
Movin' right along...overall, the past 7 days haven't been too bad!
Re-established contact with extended family members, spoke with other extended family members, got some more info on the French festival, getting ready to record more for my album this Wednesday, lost a drummer, gained a drummer, been ridiculously, pathetically broke (selling CDs and books for my lunch and dinner money). Watched some movies, listened to some records, had a "fake date" with Chris Sprague, saw Deke Dickerson play, ate at Polvo's, drank margaritas, went bar-hopping, ate sausages, got some walks in before work, got some sleep at night, got some production stuff arranged for the record.
I need to get lots of sleep THIS week, too....
Re-established contact with extended family members, spoke with other extended family members, got some more info on the French festival, getting ready to record more for my album this Wednesday, lost a drummer, gained a drummer, been ridiculously, pathetically broke (selling CDs and books for my lunch and dinner money). Watched some movies, listened to some records, had a "fake date" with Chris Sprague, saw Deke Dickerson play, ate at Polvo's, drank margaritas, went bar-hopping, ate sausages, got some walks in before work, got some sleep at night, got some production stuff arranged for the record.
I need to get lots of sleep THIS week, too....
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Teehee
So I took a funny little questionnaire today. Not that any of this is to be taken seriously, but it was a little bit interesting.
Psychoanalyze Yourself:
Don't read ahead, just answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means at the end. No cheating!
1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who is with you?
Steve—he is exploring with me.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
A really amazing-looking, rare bird. Or else a snuffling boar.
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
Neither animal notices us standing there.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house, how big is it?
Smallish, by most standards—but comfortable, and looks amazing because it’s a cottage of rustic, old-fashioned dreams, nestled remotely in the big woods. I imagine it with all manner of old-fashioned creature comforts and a kitchen for real living...and the internet, hehe.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No. No need for a real fence, but maybe there is a natural barrier or trees or bushes.
6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table; what is on it?
Fresh bread (that I baked!) , a wrapped hunk of cheese (that I strained!), a crock of butter (that I made!), and a bowl of fruit (that I picked!). Oh, and a kitchen towel.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
An old tin cup that either Steve or I found somewhere along our travels. Century+ old.
8. What do you do with the cup?
If it’s on the ground outside, then I would imagine it’s there for a reason. We probably placed it there (perhaps symbolic), and so we will leave it there.
9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at a body of water; what is it?
A large lake with wild shores on all sides, a primitive deck by where we are, and on the other side, waterfalls, stone cliffs on the side of a large hill, and a nearby exit to a rapid-filled creek.
10. How will you cross the water?
From our primitive boat from our primitive deck. And barrels, for fun.
After you copy and paste into a new bulletin, and answer ALL the questions above you can look down here.
The ANSWERS
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.
Pfft, I could have told you that.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
So then, fair to middlin'. Hmmm.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
Hah! I don't deal with them, apparently. But I don't run away from them either.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
Yep, that's about right.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
I don't think my answer is quite so black-and-white.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
I'm supposed to be fretting about the kitchen towel, then. Hehe.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
Ancient, tarnished, but sturdy and thought-provoking?
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
It is what it is, after all.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
Big, with lots of opportunity for variety...sounds like me!
10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
Not an easy ride, but tried and true. Hmm.
Psychoanalyze Yourself:
Don't read ahead, just answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means at the end. No cheating!
1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who is with you?
Steve—he is exploring with me.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
A really amazing-looking, rare bird. Or else a snuffling boar.
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
Neither animal notices us standing there.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house, how big is it?
Smallish, by most standards—but comfortable, and looks amazing because it’s a cottage of rustic, old-fashioned dreams, nestled remotely in the big woods. I imagine it with all manner of old-fashioned creature comforts and a kitchen for real living...and the internet, hehe.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No. No need for a real fence, but maybe there is a natural barrier or trees or bushes.
6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table; what is on it?
Fresh bread (that I baked!) , a wrapped hunk of cheese (that I strained!), a crock of butter (that I made!), and a bowl of fruit (that I picked!). Oh, and a kitchen towel.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
An old tin cup that either Steve or I found somewhere along our travels. Century+ old.
8. What do you do with the cup?
If it’s on the ground outside, then I would imagine it’s there for a reason. We probably placed it there (perhaps symbolic), and so we will leave it there.
9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at a body of water; what is it?
A large lake with wild shores on all sides, a primitive deck by where we are, and on the other side, waterfalls, stone cliffs on the side of a large hill, and a nearby exit to a rapid-filled creek.
10. How will you cross the water?
From our primitive boat from our primitive deck. And barrels, for fun.
After you copy and paste into a new bulletin, and answer ALL the questions above you can look down here.
The ANSWERS
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.
Pfft, I could have told you that.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
So then, fair to middlin'. Hmmm.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
Hah! I don't deal with them, apparently. But I don't run away from them either.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
Yep, that's about right.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
I don't think my answer is quite so black-and-white.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
I'm supposed to be fretting about the kitchen towel, then. Hehe.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
Ancient, tarnished, but sturdy and thought-provoking?
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
It is what it is, after all.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
Big, with lots of opportunity for variety...sounds like me!
10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
Not an easy ride, but tried and true. Hmm.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Hurry up and wait
That seems like what I do....ALL THE TIME. Except, of course, when I wait, and wait, and wait...and then I hurry up because I have to, at deadline times.
I awoke today with a genuine question, almost as if I were outside of me, questioning me.
Why do I insist on stressing myself out and swimming in circles with a series of unrewarding projects, unwanted career path changes, and unfulfilling relationships that hold no chance for real future happiness?
I'm not down on myself, don't get me wrong. I am lucky, because I really am partially where I would like to be, in life. I know, ultimately, what I want and who I should let into my life. I just seem to be taking an awful lot of backsteps and missteps. If I were to examine that carefully, I would say that I have a very strong fear of real success. I have achieved a lot of successes, but I know that I haven't really tried that hard to get there.
The honest truth is that I can easily envision the whats, the wheres, and the whos of fulfilling my life's dreams, but I am afraid to achieve them. Perhaps I'm afraid of what would happen once I got to that point. Would I be disappointed? Disillusioned? I'll probably have already changed direction again by the time that hits. And if I have, would this mean the previous 10+ etc, years would have been a waste?
My father repeatedly told me from a very young age (like, 8 or 9) that I have a "fear of success." I wonder if I subconsciously took that observation to heart more than I should, and consequently lived out my life to reflect that trait. When I give this some thought, I have to say, I think I just accepted it (because my father knows everything!) and fed into it, instead of battling and conquering it.
He couldn't have known it would harm me, for he believed in honesty and I know in my deepest gut that he loved me more than life itself. But it makes me think...if my father had told me (albeit untruthfully) that I had NO fear of success, and that I can and WOULD be able to do anything I ever dreamed of in life, that it was expected of me, and actually put some more pressure on me, maybe I would have subconsciously adopted a different, more confident approach to life.
I remember asking him when I was a very small girl (4 or 5) , in a voice full of awe, hope, and reverence, if he thought *I* would be able to go to college when I grew up, and his answer was that he "hoped so." Now I'm an adult, and I can see what he meant. He meant that he hoped so "if money and opportunity and less beaurocratic red tape allowed him to send me there"...and I heard he hoped so "if I was smart enough." A little something lost in translation, and here I still remember the conversation thirty years later.
Sometimes seeing life in shades of gray, when vocalized (especially in relation to others), can harm those who are close to you. We need a little bit of "black or white" in order to discover our strengths.
I awoke today with a genuine question, almost as if I were outside of me, questioning me.
Why do I insist on stressing myself out and swimming in circles with a series of unrewarding projects, unwanted career path changes, and unfulfilling relationships that hold no chance for real future happiness?
I'm not down on myself, don't get me wrong. I am lucky, because I really am partially where I would like to be, in life. I know, ultimately, what I want and who I should let into my life. I just seem to be taking an awful lot of backsteps and missteps. If I were to examine that carefully, I would say that I have a very strong fear of real success. I have achieved a lot of successes, but I know that I haven't really tried that hard to get there.
The honest truth is that I can easily envision the whats, the wheres, and the whos of fulfilling my life's dreams, but I am afraid to achieve them. Perhaps I'm afraid of what would happen once I got to that point. Would I be disappointed? Disillusioned? I'll probably have already changed direction again by the time that hits. And if I have, would this mean the previous 10+ etc, years would have been a waste?
My father repeatedly told me from a very young age (like, 8 or 9) that I have a "fear of success." I wonder if I subconsciously took that observation to heart more than I should, and consequently lived out my life to reflect that trait. When I give this some thought, I have to say, I think I just accepted it (because my father knows everything!) and fed into it, instead of battling and conquering it.
He couldn't have known it would harm me, for he believed in honesty and I know in my deepest gut that he loved me more than life itself. But it makes me think...if my father had told me (albeit untruthfully) that I had NO fear of success, and that I can and WOULD be able to do anything I ever dreamed of in life, that it was expected of me, and actually put some more pressure on me, maybe I would have subconsciously adopted a different, more confident approach to life.
I remember asking him when I was a very small girl (4 or 5) , in a voice full of awe, hope, and reverence, if he thought *I* would be able to go to college when I grew up, and his answer was that he "hoped so." Now I'm an adult, and I can see what he meant. He meant that he hoped so "if money and opportunity and less beaurocratic red tape allowed him to send me there"...and I heard he hoped so "if I was smart enough." A little something lost in translation, and here I still remember the conversation thirty years later.
Sometimes seeing life in shades of gray, when vocalized (especially in relation to others), can harm those who are close to you. We need a little bit of "black or white" in order to discover our strengths.
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