Saturday, March 29, 2008

In the corner of my mind....

Misty watercolored memories! Wow, I don't know what happened here, but....

This morning while doing some sort of aimless, pleasurable websurfing, I found this great site on 20th-century "series books" for school-age girls:

http://www.series-books.com/

It's amazing how mild curiosity can plunge one pell-mell into the roiling emotions and yearnings of their youth, no matter what the era.  As of late, Steve has been delving into his own school-age era, particularly with music. Today, I joined him, only it was my own journey, and it was with books.

 I think it's a beautiful thing that no matter what era you grow up in, there will be specific culturally related obsessions that probably have no value outside of what they meant to you, and your young heart.

It's always a pleasant surprise to find the odd childhood obsession that actually stands the test of time (meaning you can honestly see the over-arching cultural value at age 40 that you could at age 11). But more often, it's a nostalgic pang that hits a seldom-touched deep in your heart. 
 
I was a HUGE reader of series books as a little girl.  I always loved the excitement of a specific group of characters and families, and completely fell prey to the "targeted demographic" of these books.  I ate them up daily, nightly, all weekend long, all summer long with a jam-covered spoon: "All-of-A-Kind Family", the Noel Streatfield series; Trixie Belden, Bobbsey Twins,  Nancy Drew, and later, Sweet Valley High.  I also learned that one of my favorite books as a child ("Understood Betsy") was written by Dorothy Canfield and published in 1917. Dorothy Canfield was born and raised in Lawrence, Kansas. Who knew? Certainly not me!  I only read the danged thing.

 One summer I lived across from the Lawrence Municipal Swimming Pool AND the Lawrence Public Library, which were right next to one another.  I'd swallow down some breakfast in the morning and trot across the street to the library, where I'd spend the morning with one of the above-mentioned books...and every afternoon I'd take the day's haul with me over to the swimming pool where I could swim and daudle for a while in the hot summer afternoon sun,  and hop out and lie on a towel to read my library books.

I didn't only read series books, of course.  I read the hell out of books about ghosts and hauntings in the US,  young girl ice skaters, dancers, or gymnasts,  horrific 15th century versions of fairy tales, fables, and mythology, and even Little Black Sambo (my brother loved for me to read that book to him). The children's section of the Lawrence Public Library was the most wondrous baby-sitter I have ever had in my life. Every day was a new adventure, and I was never, ever bored when I was there.  There was always some aisle in which I hadn't spent much time, and I learned so much as a result. I cannot even count how many books I read in that library from ages 8 to 10. 

This entire rambling blog was inspired because this morning I revisited a series I was obsessed with in my teen years.  I actually spent entire summers in my room reading the "Sweet Valley High" books over and over again; only coming out of my escapist haze to descend the stairs and crankily re-join the world for meals...and then back up again to the comfort of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield and their world of faux teen angst and thinly disguised, badly written social platitudes.  Here's an informative site for those of you who might understand, complete with book covers and synapses that gripped my heart and took me back 20 years. 

http://www.series-books.com/svh/svh.html

 My stepmom called my SVH summers "depression," and in retrospect I agree that it probably was.  But what a lovely depression I could sink myself into!  It felt a hell of a lot better then listening to everyone in my new stepfamily blather on loudly. Our house was so LOUD back then, and nothing was said that I found interesting, except for when my dad spoke (which wasn't that often, comparatively).  All that changed when I got a drivers' license, of course. I had a much more tangible means of escape then.

We young fans of SVH were in puberty, way over-emotional, and totally unsure of ourselves. We were really starting to be immersed in the flashy, gluttonous, mercenary vibe of  1980s America. All of our parents were getting divorced.  Compound that with the trials of being chubby and awkward in middle school or junior high school and the usual young girls' whim of yearning to be someone you weren't, and there you have a target demographic...and there I was, raising my hand and begging for more, more, more!  

I do not expect people who weren't pre-teen girls in the flashy 1980s to understand the obsession with the Sweet Valley High series.  But any girl who was born in America in the early-to-mid 70s would understand the sugar-sweet "coolness" that these books provided from 1983 to 1990.  God, but I loved them, and collected them long after the obsession had cooled.  I collected all of the books up to about #100 (which was at least 50 books past the point where they should have quit because they had totally run out of ideas)--including special editions, and later even some of the Sweet Valley Twins series, although I knew I was a little too old for those by then.

 One day in my early 20s I knew that I would never need these books again, and I gave them away to a charity that assists disadvantaged women and their children.  Today I would LOVE to pull out that big, battered cardboard box and rifle through them; maybe re-read a couple for old times' sake.  I don't need them anymore, but once in a while, like today, I just want them.

At the time I discovered the Sweet Valley High books, my father was no longer teaching and instead was working as a manager at "Adventure, A Bookstore" in Lawrence, Kansas (typical over-qualifications for Lawrence, where your bartender has a Master's degree). I spent hours in that bookstore every day after school from 7th grade right up to when I got my drivers' license.  
It's funny, though...I was never drawn towards particularly good literature, but when I tally it all up, I must have read about eight or nine of those 250-page books a week. Not just Sweet Valley High...the bookstore had a very well-developed Young Adult section, and at any given time I had pretty much read approximately 50% of the inventory in that store. The owners of the store really liked my dad, my little brother and I, and were totally fine with me coming there after school and burying my nose in their stock. 

I know I usually read one book every day after school (I'm a fast reader). Also, to my writhing joy, every couple of weeks my dad brought home for me a couple of paper grocery sacks full of books that'd had the covers ripped off (for publishers' inventory, therefore the books are not sellable). I read, and I read, and I read. I mean yes, 70% of it was Young Adult schlock, but at a not-at-all overstated average of 8 books a week for five years, that means I read over 2,000 books from 7th grade until my senior year.  And still had time to learn to drink Purple Passion, smoke Marlboro Reds, and make out with shiftless boys (if they were dropouts, they were that much hotter to me).

But THOSE days are another blog entirely.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Random thoughts, part 456.

I've lately taken to posting a lot more on my Myspace blog, for some reason. But no matter what, things have been going very well so far this year.

While my health and weight issues aren't improving as fast as I'd like them to, I have had a lot of creative and networking/money-making opportunities offered to me that are making my life exponentially more busy...and exponentially more rewarding.

I've already had several weeks where I can't even get a moment to myself due to rehearsals, work, overtime, projects, guests, and whiny, needy people. And to those people, I'm learning to set boundaries.

I got a promotion and a significant raise at my job, which will put me firmly into the "I can take care of myself" mode, and will allow things to run on a more even keel. I think I can finally stop living paycheck to paycheck now!

On the personal relationship scale, I've often though of myself somewhat critically as extremely self-involved, to the point of mild ego-mania. However, I've learned lately that on a sliding scale of creative types, I'm not nearly as bad as I'd envisioned. Which gives me hope for me yet.

Okay, I just wanted to blog a little something 'cos I don't feel like working anymore on this pretty Friday, but I can't ask to leave early since I'm going to have so much vacation time eaten up soon.

Rachel's running around somewhere around Austin, happily enjoying the day, and I'm chomping at the bit to get out of here.

Giddy-YUP!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Hilarious (to me)

I love Shandon S., because he is one of the only friends I have that actually sends me messages like this. He's a true Texas boy, just like his famous papa.

how r u??the piture your using kix butt..very cool...

Monday, January 28, 2008

Hmmm.

I suppose it stands to reason that when one or two areas of my life start going well, they are offset by one or two others taking a turn for the worse.

My band is going great, my record is coming out. I've got shows in Las Vegas and France planned, and today, at my job, I just got a great promotion (and a raise).

Unfortunately, my body feels like it's falling apart, so I'm not able to really enjoy any of those things.

I can scarcely imagine what wandering around VLV is going to be like when my body is in this shape. And SxSW will be significantly low-key, also. Muck and the Mires are coming back to town and they want to hang out. Also, Eddie Munoz is coming in, playing with Magic Christian. I look forward to seeing him (albeit from a distance). Eddie wanted to stay with me but I had to say 'no' since I don't have the room (or the physical/emotional energy). Muck and the folks are so great that I will definitely want to hang with them as much as possible for the duration. I guess I've got to figure out how to "rock" this disability and get myself a really stylin' cane or something. Maybe get a regular metal one and cover it with "pulp" paper and shellac it, etc. Something a little unexpected and punk rock, hehe.

I am at the heaviest weight that I've ever been, and words cannot even express the singularly frustrating place I am in, not being able to do anything about it. I cannot exercise they way I need to and yearn to, and in fact cannot even lead a normal, semi-active life right now. As I was taking a shower before work this morning, the thought occurred to me that the whole process would be a lot easier if I had one of those "shower chairs." That's horrifying and sad to me. I'm still grappling with the fact that my life is actually changing because of this physical problem. I'm having emotional issues thinking about things like that if I actually *did* have a baby, how would I actually be able to do it physically? Afterward, how would I be able to care for it the way I want to? I mean, parenting is HARD on you.

I am going to have to find some free mental therapy, somehow.

I spent last week holed up at home, recovering from my insanely busy prior week. But with that necessary down time came REAL "down" time. I became frustrated with my body and now it has started to settle into a bona fida depression, and I am trying, but right now I can't see my way out of it.

My lack of contact with Steve has been necessary due to his state of mind, but the fact that we have a hard time communicating these days hurts me and makes me sad. There's a big hole where all of our laughter and fun, our mutual inspiration and discovery used to be.

Contact with the person I have been recently dating has also had its very import heightened, because of my current fragile state of mind. Who wants to be 'needy?' Not I. Definitely not I.

I don't like to fall into old traps, or walk my old, well-worn paths of paranoia and self-loathing and immature delusions. Somehow, because of the pain my body is feeling, all of those old traits are beginning to surface with a vengeance. I have to quell them. I must quell them.


I can't wait until my first Physical Therapy appointment. And until this stupid left foot injury heals (4-6 weeks, I have to wear this stupid foam shoe!). And now I have to buy some new socks 'cos my old ones, while quite rockin', are, well...old and faded.


So. The good news.


I got a promotion! I'm really, really happy about that today.

Monica and I might get a haircut together tomorrow, and then I've been working out with weights and abdominal exercises for the past couple of mornings too. It really needs to sink in to me that every little bit helps, even if I can't hit the elliptical trainer anymore. I've got to pull myself together before this depression gets too tough for me to yank myself out of.

I'm rooting for me.....

Monday, January 14, 2008

Wow

It's been over a month since I posted last. I suppose it's because I've been either sick, incredibly busy, out of town, or posting on Myspace instead.

Things are coming to a head with my record, finally. I think I should have all those details out of the way very soon. In addition to this project, I've been treading water trying to keep up with my bandmates for the Teen Sensations. We've now had band pictures taken, gotten our first gig, and scheduled a recording session with lots of extra practices thrown in to boot. Exhausting, but for me it feels worth the effort!

On a personal side, I think this year I am taking back my life and loosening my relationships with those who don't make me happy. I plan to guard my down time with a vengeance and not be so bound by "obligation". My decisions and activities are going to be much less directed by guilt, and more directed by a genuine, unapologetic urge to make myself happy.

I am actively looking for a fulfilling long-term relationship for the first time in my life. I am really okay with admitting that I would like this, even though it really has no basis on who I actually meet and/or fall in love with (I wish it were that easy!). I'm going to take better care of myself by choosing a partner who will make my life a joy to live, as I will to theirs. One step at a time, though...one step at a time.

I am tackling things with vigor, and that includes taking care of me. I look forward to this year very, very much and I have high hopes that I will grow in leaps and bounds.

This week is busy: planning and down time tonight, band practice on Tuesday and Thursday, a photo session on Wednesday and a date after that (and if I'd gone to Jerry's BBQ on Friday, I actually would have met him for the first time there! Oddly coincidental). Barb is in town on Friday evening, and The Teen Sensations are recording all day Saturday, from 10am to 10pm.

Mamma mia, but I am busy, and hooray for that! I'm not really stressed about these activities as as I have been in the past, because I firmly believe that I am actively following my desires and laying out my boundaries...and looking people in the eye and smiling at them.