My Monday was...something!

I worked. I went to check out a gym last night and ended up joining. It's a women-only gym, and has a pool to boot. Ten dollars cheaper per month than Gold's was. I'm excited...I even saw little old ladies in the pool taking a "Senior Aquatics" class, complete with floaty noodles. I was hoping to find a bunch of old 1950s "calisthenics" equipment (such as the shaky hip-belt thingie, whatever that's called), but apparently I'm going to have to settle for a flowery swim cap and 'free swim. '

After I signed my life away, I went home. Yummy food. Greens and such. Followed by a quite unexpected phone call from Justin, which resulted in a margarita at Matt's el Rancho with some folks, and a long catch-up session. Amused reminiscing about the time when my dress broke whilst go-go dancing at an Ugly Beats show and he had to help me improvise a black duct-tape mini-skirt in the back room. I forgot about how his good humor, sense of adventure and devil-may-care attitude makes those odd situations into great stories...and great, great fun.

I am even sleepier today than I was yesterday. I think combined, I have about eight hours' sleep from both nights.

*yawn*

My weekend was...something!

My weekend was exhausting, but overall it was good for me...cathartic.

Friday evening after work I went for a walk, did a DVD workout and then later I went over to Donny's house to meet him. We talked and messed around for a while with his Farfisa and guitars. He and his girlfriend both seem like VERY sweet people. I hope he comes to work with me/us, musically. He's definitely got a feel for the psyche, which is something I wouldn't mind delving into a *little* bit. As long as it doesn't go too near that lame "indie-psyche" that seems so common among devotees of Brian Jonestown Massacre, etc.

After I left, I went home and baked cookies and finished up the wine I'd bought last weekend. I watched "Sex and the City" late into the evening (in lieu of girlfriends' company) and cried and was really, really angry for the rest of the night. It felt really good to be angry. I am still angry. Hooray for angry!

Saturday I called Mario and we discussed timelines and other necessary details for my record. Oh, how wonderful! I realized how much better I work when I have specific deadlines, so we set some. We had a great talk, and I feel much better and more clear about finishing the record now.

I dropped by Monica's in the early afternoon to take her and Bobby some of the cookies I'd baked (Baby Dumpling, her kitty for 17 years had been put to sleep the day before). She gave me some money in exchange for me schlepping over to Michael's and picking up supplies so I could make her a whole new slew of crafty '40s flowers for her hair. I forgot how fun that crafty little habit of mine can be.

I got home and roasted a chicken, made a sweet potato and some seasoned cabbage...relaxed and made flowers until it was time to get gussied up to go see Deke.

Wait, I can't believe it...I actually went to see Deke play???

It was rather fun, to tell the truth. I got in my old "get-up", just because...bamboo-style vintage halter dress, big hair flowers, curled hair, high heels, the works. I hadn't even gotten that gussied in Spain. Eh. Could be that I'd unearthed enough of my old vintage stuff to finally get excited about wearing it again, I don't know. I've got some really beautiful things that shouldn't just be hanging in a closet or folded into a bin.

I went to the show and met several new people and saw plenty of old friends; there were even some Europeans about. I didn't even know those folks came here anymore, these days! Heh.

I saw Misti W. while I was at the Continental, and was ecstatic to hear that she's looking for a new musical project. Shandon Sahm doesn't play much, she's not in Mr. Lewis and the Funeral Five anymore, and apparently The Dirty Hearts are taking a break. Wahoo!

She loves my singing and is dying to be in a band with me, as it turns out! So there you have it. if I have anything to say about it, Misti is going to be the final piece of our little 60s band. Hope fills my soul.

I went home at bar closing, mentally and physically drained. It was the kind of drained where I sat on my couch for another hour and half, half-watching TV, unwinding but not sleeping.

Sunday came...I awoke depressed. Stayed in bed. Cried. Was angry. Felt like crap about my fat, lazy, unlovable self. Luckily, I know me fairly well and knew that once I got up, it was going to be a galvanizing day. I knew it but at the same time, wasn't really looking forward to it.

Finally at 1:30pm I dragged myself out of bed and out to get some creamer for my coffee. I made a BIG pot of the stuff, took some allergy medicine, and within an hour, I was in my room going through all of my stuff. And I do mean all. I spent the next eight hours purging, re-arranging, cleaning, and finding storage places for all that had been in dusty bins and boxes and bags. Little things, big things; my entire purse collection, all the stuff that doesn't fit me anymore (but will again), etc., etc.

I got rid of the old computer and the desk and many, many other items. Goodwill got a huge amount of goodies from me yesterday, that's for sure. I'm lucky to have the Goodwill so close to my house, with a drive-through drop-off spot, no less. They haven't seen the last of me!

The beautiful thing was, in the end I found a place for everything, with room to spare. And now my room is re-arranged and my bed is in a better spot and I can finally relax.

Dime a dozen

I've been taking an objective look into my romantic history for the past ten years:

1) Alcoholics
2) Men who live in other countries
3) Depressives
4) Emotionally unavailable and jerky
5) Stoners
6) Womanizers
7) Emotionally unavailable, but not jerky
8) Overly needy


I really know how to pick 'em, it seems. At least there's only one person out of this entire 'collection' who I ever fooled myself enough to think that maybe he was the right man for me. I never believed in and usually scoffed at women (ok, GIRLS) who said "You know? I think he's The One." Hahaha! And though I'll still scoff at that overall, I can now understand how an otherwise rational person might come to wonder that from time to time when they meet someone really special.

I can't wait until I'm up and running free and happy again. I mean, REALLY up and running. Not running away.

Oh, lordie. Here it all comes.

Having gone over many things in my head and having come to some sad, truthful conclusions, thus begins the cyclic emotions that slowly, surely (I fucking hope) will evolve into true acceptance and improvement of character.

Stiff with the top lip, up with the chin, long in the spine, back with the shoulders, in with the tummy. I dream that I may truly learn to stay the hell away from situations that I know will bring me down.

Today, though? I just feel really, REALLY cheated.

Happening!

Last night I met Laurie for a little hangout session and it was SO FUN! She has totally re-inspired me about my music. The fact that she has a fairly big voice at KUT doesn't hurt, that's for sure. I let her hear the rough tracks on my record and with her response, I only want to push forward and make this baby happen. She's such a firecracker and positive influence. Almost like a drug.

I also decided that I'm going to beef up my music blog since I post on there so rarely, but always have something worth blogging about when it comes to making or talking about music. And it'll get my mind off my mind, if that makes any sense.

OVER-ANALYZATION OUT! MUSIC IN!!!

If I went to one last night, do I have to take one this morning?

Went to Monica and Bobby's shower last night at the upstairs of the Continental Club. It was a blast! I got to see people I hadn't seen in years. I can't remember the last time people like Tanya Babitch, Jennifer Barker-Benfield, Tom & Laura, Lisa Dean, Veronica, Justine, Julie Peterson, etc. were all in the same room together. How fun! It looks like maybe I need to have a party sometime and get some people over.

However...although I thought it was funny at the time, I probably shouldn't have written "Suck Me" on the big stuffed pacifier that everyone was passing around and signing with a Sharpie. Heh.

Afterward I went home and worked my way through some wine, sat on the couch, and thought about stuff.

And I'm not sad.

It's a little late in the game

It's a little late in life for me me to truly, TRULY understand this, but finally I get it. For the first time in my life, a very personal way, I can wrap my head around the painful complexities of the term "irreconcilable differences."

My own company

I enjoy my own company most of all.

The past week or so I have been feeling very easily harangued, and my personal relationships have felt inexplicably (okay, explicably) complicated. Thus, I have been retreating into my own mind until this mood passes. Very soon here, I will either work through it and express what I need to express, or else it'll just fade out when a fun-loving, expansive mood finally hits me again.

Last night I walked on Town Lake (ran into Jen Barker-Benfield and so walked with her and her friend for a couple of miles). Afterward, I grabbed a salad and went to Target to get contact solution and allergy medication.

I went home, ate my salad and lay on the couch and read, undisturbed, for five solid hours.

I love that a lot more than I realize. Sweet, sweet solitude.

And just when I think I should suppress all my emotions

Someone comes along and tells me it's okay to have them. The hurt, the anger, the sadness...it's okay to have them.

This came to my Myspace inbox from Barbara at Get Hip:

Hi Caroline,

So I used the demo CD you gave us in Austin last time to listen to while I was stripping icky wallpaper from my kitchen wall... yeah doesn't sound glamorous but that is the time when I will completely concentrate in the music while doing something productive, ha!

So I listen to it like 10 times on a row and kept liking it more and more every time. I know some (or most) of it is on the demo stage and I can't wait to hear it finished. You need to keep throwing guts at your singing and lyric writing... you have that raw and true talent that I personally envy because my weak voice has always held me back from trying to attempt singing. I'm always told that I'm fearless and strong but really, compare to you or Michael K or other people that throw everything out there for others to criticize, well I think I am a coward.

I wanted to tell you that my FAVE song on your CD is IT'S LATER NOW. What an awesome song... it could've been on like a Gram Parsons album or something like that. Great.

Keep up the good work girl, and most of all BE HAPPY.

Love,

Barbara

Hello, 911? I do believe that I've shot myself in the foot.

I’m confused and occasionally saddened by my choices of how I handle my relationships with people. I want to be happy and so should be strong enough to make the choices to attain this happiness.

Luckily, the whole world's not where I am. Some other people seem to be taking steps towards hope and happiness.

I saw Marshall leaving Reid’s apartment last night. I had just returned my movies to Vulcan and was getting out of my car when I saw him come down the stairs, with a date. They seemed absorbed in each other; flirty and giddy. I sat there watching quietly from my dark car about thirty feet away, trying not to bring attention to myself. I did not want to distract them and make them feel like they were being observed. I was smiling and my heart was glad for Marshall. I am very, very happy for him and I hope it works out.

Positively Bubbly

It’s Friday and I’m looking forward to this weekend! I have three dollar bills, about $5.00 in quarters and $3.55 in the bank so I guess that’s what I will have to use to survive unless I sell some more stuff. Be that as it may, I’m going to pet the kitties, watch Rock Hudson & Doris Day, stretch, sleep in, walk 10-15K before Monday. I’m going to work on my record and hang out with Steve (hooray! It’s been so fun lately) and see “This Is England” and work on stuff for the new band. My place is already clean, so all I really have to do is get rid of some of the vintage stuff and rearrange my room. I may or may not get to that, heehee.

I’ve been sinking into a happy little zone lately, but it’s somewhat dangerous. My new way of enjoying my space is to eat a filling supper followed by a movie and appropriate movie snacks (popcorn, etc). I've hit that total "I can do whatever the hell I want", low-stress comfort zone, which frankly given my indulgent personality, is not so good for me. I’ve been trying to exercise as much as my knee will allow, but what I really need is to get over this hump and shrink my stomach enough to be satisfied with less. It's going to take more exercise to get there than I'm currently doing.

I know these cravings will be easier to outmaneuver after next week, when my money situation eases up and I’m able to buy lots of groceries that are more expensive but are much healthier and satisfy me just as much. For instance, those organic dried soups…veggie chili and all that, used to be a mainstay for me. I like them but they're almost three bucks a pop! And a good cut of fish or a small pile of shrimp; Organic boxes of tomato and squash soup, salad fixings and goat cheese and feta and lots of good fresh fruit.

A Totino’s pizza is 99 cents. A Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box is 99 cents. All that junk that may be tasty ONCE IN A WHILE is about all I have been able to afford for the past couple of weeks, except for my “gone far too soon” grocery splurge after selling some stuff for cash. It's expensive to love good, healthy food as much as I do. I wish I cared about food so little that I would be physically satisfied with a can of tuna, iceberg lettuce and cottage cheese, but well....

I just keep telling myself that it’ll be over soon! I plan to use the drive-thru at Baby Greens a lot more, and vegetarian/pescetarian again is also the plan. I’ll get there eventually. I really will.

I’m all abuzz with ideas and projects and feeling good other than that. Life is pretty much as it should be except of course I am impatient to get everything I want and I’d like to have the money to do it.

In other self-indulgent news: aside from food and fun--I'm getting a haircut, the new Harry Potter book, and a bottle of decent perfume as soon as fiscally possible! So there.

I’ll make it up if I have to!

So apparently, if I don’t have anything to feel directly guilty about and things are going swimmingly for me, my subconscious will actually make stuff up for me to feel guilty about. Last night’s dream woke me at 3:41am and it took me hours to fall asleep again, trying to figure out how to handle a sticky situation that I'd just created in my dream. That half-awake worry tumbled into fully awake worries about the other issues I still feel—unresolved stuff with Brian, for instance. I really abhor that my mind does that to me.

I am trying to figure out what to do when that occurs. It’s very difficult to just roll over and fall back asleep...after all, it’s me we’re talking about here. Hehe.

About my current state of affairs, I’m in a seemingly perpetual state of “want.” I want to lose weight; I want meaningful, fulfilling romantic love; I want to create amazing music and write good books and see the world. It seems as if none of that stuff is happening fast enough to keep up with my desires. Exactly how mature am I, that I still doggedly maintain this "need" for instant gratification?

Hmmmm......