On being and impulsiveness

I was talking with Steve tonight about my state of being for the past couple of years, and suddenly I realized something. Bless him for being there.

I've known I'm impulsive for pretty much my entire life, but it's not a good thing or a bad thing; it's simply a personality trait of mine.

Bad impulses: Overeating, overshopping, explaining my existence, apologizing, feeling guilty, smoking, drinking, lying around all starey-like, running away, undersleeping, watching movies slothfully for hours that spread into days, oversleeping; negative thinking.

Good impulses: exercising, eating more consciously (smaller, healthful portions), cleaning and organizing, spending time with close friends, getting up earlier, practicing singing, making bread, writing songs, listmaking and other forms of planning, bill-paying, spontaneous walks or drives in the countryside, dancing around my house, bubble baths, lying around late at night bathed in candlelight and surrounded by the sound of a good record, reading thought-provoking books for hours, writing for business and writing for pleasure.

It's 2007 now (yes, I state the obvious).

I'd say that 70% of my time awake since mid-July of 2003 has been spent experienceing the above-mentioned bad impulses.
Before then, I had been at the top of my game mentally, physically, creatively more than ever in my life before. Since then, just maintaining the equilibrium to feel and do the good impulses has been a struggle. Sometimes I do feel them but overall, but it's been a real struggle to get to a place where the good impulses happen naturally. Heartbreaks, car accidents, unenjoyable living environments, gigantic financial fluctuations, and weight gain have all played a part in the raising of the "bad impulse" percentage.

I'd like to get my life back around to the point where I am experiencing 70% good impulses and 30% bad impulses (I'm human, after all). It's time. I'm almost there; I can taste it on my tongue.

And dang it all; no more explaining myself, apologizing, feeling guilty about imposing on others or worrying about others sitting in judgement on me! Who is it I owe my happiness to again? Enough already!