Everything feels strange.

I can't wait to feel more settled, more comfortable in my skin. Seems that pet-sitting for two different people and trying to move and trying to work and trying to finish a record and trying to have "me" time and trying not to spend two dollars on groceries while spending everything I have on bills is hard or something? But...how can that possibly be? Hah.

I was thinking today that maybe I should go have coffee with Justin like he wants to. There's really no harm in that, and I think I could use his gestalt right now. I'll have to warn him that I'm fat and feel horrible about myself and that he shouldn't make me feel bad under any circumstances, but the thing about Justin is that despite being 'baby daddy' several times over, he still always made me feel desirable and never really bad, even when the worst was happening. Sometimes a smooth operator is just what the doctor ordered.

That doesn't mean I want him back, because the last nail in that coffin was hammered a long time ago. However, I could use some compliments and lightheartedness and a sense of feeling attractive right now. I wish I did feel that way without needing others, but I'm not likely to for quite some time to come. Sigh...it's kind of like I'm in high school again, senior year; with that "going out into the world" feeling looming...raw,vulnerable and uncomfortable, like a body without skin.

So, now I am in a quiet, strange, comforting new home. But when things calm after the day, I check my email on my phone almost obsessively, looking for something but I know not what...and half afraid of what I'll find. All I find is spam, which I detest with a surprising amoutn of relief. I don't understand it. But, one thing is certain: soon the worries and the fears and the doubts and the feeling strange will go away. I have faith.