Where my heart is....

I just watched the Carter Family documentary from PBS.

Wow.

As far as documentaries go, I've seen better, but to their credit no film could really tell their story. I said, NO FILM COULD REALLY TELL THEIR STORY. Ya hear that, Hollywood? How about you don't even try?

Anyway. As I watched it, I felt the familiar visceral tug of yearning, excitement, and blind determination roil and rise within me until they bubbled out so fast I had to pause the recording and pace back and forth, trying to gain control of my thoughts again.

What I want, well...it's been done before, I know. There will always be those that do it better than I. But still, I know in my heart that it is what I love--all other possibilities fade in comparison.

I need to shout out to the world my love of music and the soul-deep magic it brings to me.

I need to write.

I need to make music and the history of it a very central part of my life. If I don't, I will feel as if I have let myself down. I know this in my heart. I want this so badly for my life that I am fighting back tears as I write this silly blog.

I must immerse my life in the two. Writing. Music. Make music of my writing. Write about my music. Write about my life and the constant juxtaposition of the two.
I must not get caught up in whether this man or that man is giving me the love I deserve, whether this girl likes me or whether I got a good review or if I'm overweight or if I'm broke. None of that matters.


I have a good start, as I have been darting in and out of this knowledge for almost twenty years. I also have been dallying with the dance of life and love,and that's all well and good...but most of all I need to ensure that I do not lose sight of my goal. I must continue to write articles about the things that I love, no matter how trivial they may sometimes seem; no matter how swamped my teleconferences and numerous daily duties get.

I must get my own space again, physically, where I can delve into my creative being without one thought for another's well-being. I casn write songs all night and clean at 8AM on a Saturday morning. I can mutter and pace and sloth if I must. I must censor my relationships with television and the computer. I must rediscover that which is truly me, and will always be.