After years of feeling like,"Oh, people know me and my music so I'd better not say what I actually think", I've decided to just...do it. Thanks, Ms. A, for reminding me that people sound their most amazing when they speak their own truths.
Even if they're misguided, off-base, over-emotional, or just plain wrong.
I saw D. last night after not having seen him since that awkward conversation on the last day of April, when we (okay, HE) decided that we shouldn't date anymore.
And though we all know that the first time seeing someone after you split is always hardest, I didn't expect to lie awake all night crying over the fact that through every action he made, I felt more and more insignificant. I liked his girlfriend. She was WAY different than him, but then he always said he and I were too similar. Whatever. That doesn't really make sense and in the end it's just someone else saying in a kindler, gentler way (or so they think) that they're "just not that into you."
Especially when you find out they hooked up only a few days after you split up. And took her on the trip to Mexico that you and he'd been planning for months after the last time you two went and enjoyed yourselves more than you ever had before.
Asshole. I wish I'd known you never gave a shit.
I'm glad I went to the barbecue, even after I pulled up and saw his car and knew it'd likely turn out to be the kind of night it did. I needed people around, and truthfully I want the best for many people, even (or especially) him. But something besides the wine had to set me off like that, seeing as I'm pretty damned happy and satisfied with things these days.
I think I've got it nailed down after all these years:
1) I hate feeling insignificant.
2) I hate being ignored.
I'm true blue, heart o' gold if the other person doesn't regularly do one of the above. Otherwise, what the hell am I doing with them?
It's a little sad, but the ego in me wants to scream out, "Hey, Baby! I'm on magazine covers. I tour Europe at least once a year. I blow my own mind. I blow most people's minds except yours lately, apparently. You missin' OUT, baybay."
But the truth is, I don't need to say that, and I'm well aware that this attitude is not my pervading reality. I only really WANT to say that when someone makes me feel insignificant or ignored.
It's time to write some more songs, methinks.
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