Startling realization

I'm terrified to go on this trip.

Many reasons, oh so many reasons...most of them deep-seated; a few of them, trivial and only bred out of ignorance.

Don't get me wrong; I'm excited and I'm definitely going. I just wonder what's going to happen to me while I'm gone and what'll happen to me while I'm there; ditto for my relationships. I mean, I worry about losing my head while trying to speak Spanish and getting very frustrated ni the more rural sections of Catalonia, but that's something I will just have to deal with. The stuff I'm really talking about is deeper, and seemingly perpetual.

My worst fears of abandonment DO surface at times like these. In my deep-down, secret, not-let-on-to-anyone self, I am frightened to death that people will turn on me if I'm gone. It's the worst sort of paranoia and it makes the usually healthy me a complete wreck. Sometimes, if I give it enough leeway in my mind, I will even take steps to make those fears occur, apparently out of some bizarre form of "self-preservation." Luckily I've curbed that somewhat over the past ten years, since I've built a home for myself in Austin and have gone on lots of far-away trips. But still, it happens.

Here's the deepest stuff, which I know is ridiculous, but still can become very real to me when I'm at my most vulnerable:

I worry that my belongings (what's left of them) will be out on the lawn and the locks changed. Hey, it's happened to me before.

I worry that I'll come to work and find out that my access code doesn't work because they got rid of me while (or because) I was absent. It's also happened before.

I worry that my cats will have died. That hasn't happened before.

I worry that something will happen to my mother while I couldn't get to her. That kind of happened before, with my father.

It's so funny, because overall I'm healthy and happy, but these fears resurface with a vengeance shortly before I do something kind of big. I forgot until today that this is how I get before I go on all of my dramatic journeys.

Hmmmm.....

Some Enchanted morning...

I had the most amazing time with Steve this weekend. We drove out to Enchanted Rock and it was truly idyllic. The cactii were in full, riotous flower, so much so that they appeared as out-of-place rosebushes set in the middle of a field of cows, brambles, and native grass. One weekend later or one weekend earlier, things would not have been so lush; so utterly wild and paradisical.

We went early, so we were able to get to the top of the batholith and find our own stone recliners. Quiet. Cool breeze. Hazy mountainous vista, and us sitting there with legs splayed and not a care in the world. Aquamarine-colored lizards scuttled by; tender succulents bloomed out of the cracks in the pink granite. High winds rustled in our ears. True, occasional sounds of civilization were there (other people, distant trucks), but they fell onto deaf ears as Steve and I happily lost ourselves in a relaxed, whimsical conversation and the sight of a tiny jumping spider with a bright blue body. We stayed until the midday sun drove us to exlopre further--crevasses and vistas, and eventually, wend our way down the rock back to the car.

Every Saturday morning should be like that.

Like the omnipotent sugarplums....

These images are dancing in my head:

A whole month since my last post?!? Good god.

Wow--it sure has been a while but overall, that's a wonderful thing. Hooray! I've got my plane tickets and hotel stay for Spain all taken care of, album plans are in the works.

However minute or multiple, I've got some decent goals, aspirations and inspirations. I'm getting awfully tired of spinning my wheels--of fantasizing and what-iffing, of planning and then being disappointed because it's not happening. I'm sick of saying and not doing.

And so, I've decided to 'do.'

I love the feeling of forging ahead on my own, both literally and figuratively. I'm looking forward to taking a little local train to some Spanish village and wandering around out towards the edge of town, maybe even off the road onto more wild terrain. I'll be in the mountains though, and since I'm not the best climber, I'd probably better stick to more populated areas. Unless I get a pair of hiking poles and bring them with me...we'll see how things unfold.

On the more depressing side, I've got some deeper stuff in my life that I'm not satisfied with and need to make decisions on, and I don't think I can ignore them for much longer.

Time to talk to Ms. Shrinky-dink.