Hmmm.

I suppose it stands to reason that when one or two areas of my life start going well, they are offset by one or two others taking a turn for the worse.

My band is going great, my record is coming out. I've got shows in Las Vegas and France planned, and today, at my job, I just got a great promotion (and a raise).

Unfortunately, my body feels like it's falling apart, so I'm not able to really enjoy any of those things.

I can scarcely imagine what wandering around VLV is going to be like when my body is in this shape. And SxSW will be significantly low-key, also. Muck and the Mires are coming back to town and they want to hang out. Also, Eddie Munoz is coming in, playing with Magic Christian. I look forward to seeing him (albeit from a distance). Eddie wanted to stay with me but I had to say 'no' since I don't have the room (or the physical/emotional energy). Muck and the folks are so great that I will definitely want to hang with them as much as possible for the duration. I guess I've got to figure out how to "rock" this disability and get myself a really stylin' cane or something. Maybe get a regular metal one and cover it with "pulp" paper and shellac it, etc. Something a little unexpected and punk rock, hehe.

I am at the heaviest weight that I've ever been, and words cannot even express the singularly frustrating place I am in, not being able to do anything about it. I cannot exercise they way I need to and yearn to, and in fact cannot even lead a normal, semi-active life right now. As I was taking a shower before work this morning, the thought occurred to me that the whole process would be a lot easier if I had one of those "shower chairs." That's horrifying and sad to me. I'm still grappling with the fact that my life is actually changing because of this physical problem. I'm having emotional issues thinking about things like that if I actually *did* have a baby, how would I actually be able to do it physically? Afterward, how would I be able to care for it the way I want to? I mean, parenting is HARD on you.

I am going to have to find some free mental therapy, somehow.

I spent last week holed up at home, recovering from my insanely busy prior week. But with that necessary down time came REAL "down" time. I became frustrated with my body and now it has started to settle into a bona fida depression, and I am trying, but right now I can't see my way out of it.

My lack of contact with Steve has been necessary due to his state of mind, but the fact that we have a hard time communicating these days hurts me and makes me sad. There's a big hole where all of our laughter and fun, our mutual inspiration and discovery used to be.

Contact with the person I have been recently dating has also had its very import heightened, because of my current fragile state of mind. Who wants to be 'needy?' Not I. Definitely not I.

I don't like to fall into old traps, or walk my old, well-worn paths of paranoia and self-loathing and immature delusions. Somehow, because of the pain my body is feeling, all of those old traits are beginning to surface with a vengeance. I have to quell them. I must quell them.


I can't wait until my first Physical Therapy appointment. And until this stupid left foot injury heals (4-6 weeks, I have to wear this stupid foam shoe!). And now I have to buy some new socks 'cos my old ones, while quite rockin', are, well...old and faded.


So. The good news.


I got a promotion! I'm really, really happy about that today.

Monica and I might get a haircut together tomorrow, and then I've been working out with weights and abdominal exercises for the past couple of mornings too. It really needs to sink in to me that every little bit helps, even if I can't hit the elliptical trainer anymore. I've got to pull myself together before this depression gets too tough for me to yank myself out of.

I'm rooting for me.....