It's a fine line

I've been doing a lot of writing the past couple of years. I enjoy it immensely.

I'm disappointed in myself though, because I lack the edginess that I had when I was in my early twenties. Now this is not to say that I still don't have the necessary anger (although I am much better at displacing it, thank you) to come up with some good writing...but I don't have the balls.

See, this is the thing. Back in my early twenties in Lawrence, when I was hanging with the Burroughs crowd, I'd get to go to a reading by some controversial author and then afterward, we'd all go eat dinner (usually at the restaurant in the basement of the Casbah).

I learned that although the authors' writing absolutely pushed the limits of the imagination, the libido, and the censorship act, for most of these folks it was merely a catharsis. In person, they were thought-provoking yet functional and polite. Maybe it was because of Burroughs, I don't know, but why would you really want to be polite in his presence? He sure didn't give a shit.

By this point in my life, I have learned to channel my energies in a way that's functional within our society. But at what cost? Because when I read writings like Lester Bangs' or Victor Bockris', I sure as hell know I have that insanity within myself as well. I have crates of writing from those early days. I have the capability (and more importantly, the URGE) to write how I REALLY feel.

But my ego wants it to be put out where others can read it, and therein lies the problem. I want people to know what I think. But as it stands now, they never know what I REALLY think because I am constantly censoring my words so as not to offend the sensibilities of many people I know. And I sure as hell know most people really don't care what I think, too. After all, I only care what a few people in my life think, but not much more than that.

I also am a musician and a promoter (although obviously on a small scale), which requires a certain modicum of behavior. I need to be mature and respectful of others, or at least, that's how I feel. I guess I'm just so used to adhering to this that somewhere in my life, I've lost the 'full-force' me and ended up with a "healthier," more watered-down version of me.

I don't think this is what I want. I want to find the extreme in me and not be afraid to make it known, whether in word or in action. Is this "grown up?" Is this even a good idea? I don't know.

The bottom line is, I need to stop worrying whether the real me is too much for some people. I want to make no apologies and have no worries if I piss people off (in a professional sense).

We'll see how it goes.